Koh Jum – Thailand
OK this is just what my therapist recommended to put the hex on my VdV blahs. We’ve heard from many of you regarding the recent slack in our (sometimes, if infrequently, semi-amusing yet typically useless) repartee, and the affect it’s had on planning your social lives. It’s a lotta pressure on us, just sayin’.
So, after a 27-hour, Ambien & alcohol-fueled, 3 plane segment (SF>Taipei; Taipei>Bangkok; Bangkok>Krabi), then an hour taxi to some funky little wharf outside Krabi, then an hour or so boat trip in this 
longboat with a 1970′s Chevy V8 strapped to it, we lumbered onto the lovely sands of Koh Jum, and the awesome, eco-friendly yet still luxurious, small – only ~10 villas- and aptly named Koh Jum Beach Villas. WTF is Koh Jum, you ask? Right here:
Baan Madelaine, to be exact as to the name of our villa (click on the little blue underline, called a ‘hyperlink’ for pix). It’s the best villa here, and this place is, bien sur, the most killer spot on the Koh. We’re talkin’ right on the beach, with a central house and two separate bedroom pods for some…privacy* So, for you impatient ones, here’s the bottom line: 1) Get yer asses to this island!, and b) Don’t stay anywhere else but Koh Jum Beach Villas.
The charming and attractive couple Chris and Severin run this place (nope that’s not them to the left, that’s the other J), give it an air of easy luxury and make ya feel right at home. But let’s face it, your hovel is no where close to as cool as this! I think it has just made our ‘we gotta come here every year’ list. And just like we are Pizza Bitches, we have become the worst kind of Hotel Snobs. So take our word here. I mean, it’s like “Shirt? Shoes? NO service”, the epitome of relaxed upscale coolness. Damn I love that word, epitome. Calliope too.
About the only knock we have is, at least this time of year and maybe it was caused by some freak gravitational pull of the moon, is when it’s low tide, it’s l-o-w. Low like in that Usher song. Low, low, low, low, low. So time your swims appropriately, bitches! And if it’s low, quit whining and go to the bar…or get the best massage ever for the grand total of $10…or, or…you get it.
OK, back to the deets:
*Oh yeah, by ‘we’ and ‘privacy‘ it’s not just us two kids this time around. That’s right, we broke our cardinal rule of traveling solo (except to Capri with our sadistic best friend Barry who damn near killed us on a boat trip gone wrong), and teamed up with our rock and roll, more ‘mature’ and ‘responsible’ buds Bob & Jane. We’re even sharing the villa! OMG!
And partly due to this fact, we’ve entitled this portion of our trip ‘Rehab Island: Koh Jum’
Now all we need is that douche Dr. Drew or Jeff Probst to make an appearance. (I say ‘this portion’ of the trip only because after our week-long stay here we’re off to Bangkok for 72 hours – look for that post next!)
But before that rigmarole, let’s set the record straight – of course we can and do drink in front of, and with, Bob & Jane. They’re not teetotalers or some bible-thumping freaks that think alcohol is the devil’s brew. They drink. But we…DRINK. Feel me? All I’m saying is, I’m amazed at the amount of booze we haven‘t consumed the past few days!
So you might be curious, “then whatdya do there, VdV?” Well, we had no clue either. My first fear was that I’d die of boredom in a pool of my own sweat; but contrary to rampant online rumors, I’m pleased to say that didn’t happen.
One reason is, January is the best month to be here, only gets into the high 80s daytime, low 70s at night. Not bad on the humidity front either. Just lovely. OK, I’m not stupid Christina Loren or anything and this isn’t weather channel, so let’s move on, shall we?
As we’re sure you know, when we’re hittin’ the road we sometimes do a day-by-day diary-like post (to the best of our feeble minds’ abilities. We just make the rest up). But this is the islands, mon. Chill. This is “What’d we do yesterday? How ’bout we do that again today? Works for me.” type of action. So here’s the basic daily modus operandi here:
1) Wake up listening to and looking at the crystal clear Andaman Sea (do we have a picture? do we have a picture?! Ummm, no.)
b) Roll outta bed and into aforementioned sea for a swim. Our version of bathing. The water is perfect, clear and just warm enough so I don’t get those embarrassing nipple hard-ons, yet cool enough to be refreshing. Yee Haw!
3) Come back and voila!, there is fresh fruit for us to nosh on. Thanks Jane!
4) Buzz kill alert! Get online and knock out a little work to keep those pesky clients and investors at bay. Waaahhhh!
6) Lay on the beach. Or at least lay somewhere.
f) Grab lunch. This place has an awesome little restaurant called Urban Café where we’ve eaten every meal except for one (which was a mistake). Needless to say, this family serves up incredible Woon Sen (spicy glass noodles w/ shrimp), Crab fried rice in a carved out Pineapple, Laab spring rolls, whatever the fishing boat just hauled in and Pad Thai. Or when in Thailand, should I just call it ‘Pad’?
A little Kindle Fire action – Yes I’m actually reading a book, to finally put to rest all those accusations of illiteracy (did I spell that right?). Kitchen Confidential by my man Anthony Bourdain. Fave line so far “Your body is not a temple. It’s an amusement park” Well played! Second best line: “As soon as I stopped doing heroin, my life got really bad” Wow. Next on the reading list is Jobs’ bio, but it seems a bit daunting and maybe not that funny.
P.S.A. Time: Notice anything? That’s right, kittens. No mention of another good pal of ours, alcohol. I mean typically #b above would have been replaced with ‘slam a bloody mary ‘ or at least a Mimosa. What is this island doing to us?! Also, NO TV. I cannot believe we happily survived KJ sans TV and a serious reduction in alcohol consumption.. Thanks to engaging conversation with Bob & Jane (and our Kindle Fire loaded up with books, magazines & Family Guy) for helping us cling on to our version of sanity.
g) OK, here we go…game time. What we’d been waiting for all day: toss back a few adult bevvies at Koh Jum resort bar, the place just down the beach. Get some sun on our faces and watch the lovely J 
transform into a mad sort of Annie Lebowitz meets Ansel whoever, y’know that guy was that takes all the Yosemite pix (almost all photo credits go to her). She just starts snappin’ away, and may have discovered her next career!
n) Pop a bottle of bubbly with Bob & Jane and watch another ‘the most awesome sunset ever’ (each day better than the last), while often listening to a chorus (or cacophony) of Cicadias, we think cousins of the Locust, shrieking from the trees. Cool, actually. Unless one flies into your ‘noggin like happened to Jane. I got up to help, but those bastards don’t scare easily. I do.
13) Grab din din back at Urban Cafe. Pure awesomeness, all family-run. Fresh fish right off the boats, curries so hot they’ll blow yer head clean off, yummy spring rolls, crab in a pineapple (yup), even Thai Pizza. Pizza w/ chicken and spicy stuff on it. All lip smackin’ good. I think between the 4 of us we literally ate the entire menu, then we made our way back through. Bonus – they don’t allow shoes!
14) Stop by the bar sans B&J and hang with our new BTF (Best Thai Friends) Ohdd and Aht…something like that. I’m going phonetic here, kittens. I have no idea how to really spell their names, or even what their real 
names may be. I would suspect many more syllables. This is just what we were told to call them. Anyhoo, these 2 could have their own comedy show and are the coolest. Plus Aht is a fierce fire dancer.
So we’d kick back and chat about things like their experience with the crazy Tsunami a few years back, where they huddled on a mountaintop for a week waiting for helicopters to drop food to them, and other stuff. They taught us some Thai language each night, from basic language structure stuff structure like “Ka” and “Kap” meaning either feminine or masculine inflection. But here, it’s not who you are referring to, it’s about who YOU are.
So I, as a full-fledged male (last time I had a physical), was sternly warned to make sure not to say something like “Sawadee Ka” or anything with “Ka” after it even when speaking to a woman, because I would really be telling people “Hello, and I’m a girlie boy”. Thanks for the warning guys! Bizzare. But hey I respect it. So as a dude, suffix everything with “Kap”, like “Sawadee Kap.” Meaning, I’m greeting you and telling you I’m a guy. Seems more useful in Bangkok actually if ya get my drift. Anyhoo, that just got boring and maybe even a tad confusing.
On our last night, we taught them “Va Fangulo” and they reciprocated with “R Rai Vah” (say it: R – Ray – Waah)’, my newest fave expression (yes, you guessed it: ‘What The Fuck!?’). If you’re feeling frothy you can even add “Ceere” (Kee – Ray) for a “WTF Bitch!?” and really impress the locals!
15) Consider a late night swim or at least stroll on the beach. Or just pour a glass of wine. Or a Vodka + Sprite. Whatever. Dang boy, I was so happy the lovely, and way more intelligent J, persuaded me to pick up a couple grips of Vodka in the BKK airport.
z) Crawl into bed under the mosquito netting (which can double to keep out barking frogs, cute little geckos and who knows what else) with a nightcap and watch a dumb movie or episode of Family Guy or Always Sunny in Philly on the Kindle. Dude…Family Guy: The Hand That Rocks The Wheelchair is petty twisted! Up there with the one where Stewie & Brian get locked in the bank vault. Classic!
Repetitive? Perhaps. Shouldn’t good things be? This place is now on our list of annual vacay spots to hit! And bonus!, the Baht (Thai currency you plebian) is worth about 3 pennies here. So once you’re here food, lodging, boats…whatever you’re into, are quite economical.
But hey, it wasn’t all ‘tardo laziness either, we did do some extra-curricular activities that rocked. And may even be less boring than reading about us tucking ourselves into bed each night. Wanna hear it? Here it go:
• Snorkeling! Dang, I’ve been all over the world and this place is tops. The four of us rented a long boat for a full day for about $100 (incl lunch) and treated the Andaman Sea like our bitch. Bamboo Island 
(didn’t see any bamboo, but great fish) Mosquito Island (again, no bugs, but awesome diving), Monkey Island (not great diving but a shitload of grimy primates, and I’m not talkin’ the German tourists). That said, Monkey Beach that the most fine, pure white sand either of us had ever seen.
The best snorkeling I’ve seen, at least. So may awesome fish – Parrot fish, Angel fish, Triggers, hell I think I even caught a glimpse of the reclusive Abe Vigoda (Look it up, young ‘un). Plus cool anenome, blah blah. Nice warm clear water and decent coral action. We hit Koh Phi Phi as well, just so I could grab some Baht from an ATM (skip it, way overrun unless you are in desperate need of cash).
• Thai-style massages. For the staggering sum of $10 USD get pushed, pulled, poked and twisted like ya did something to piss her off. And love every minute of it! I am officially sold on 
the Thai massage, screw that BS deep tissue crap they sell you on in the states! It was kinda weird when she told me to say “I’ve been a bad boy” but other than that;) she transformed me into almost super-human status.
• Kayaking up and down the coast. Pretty chill way to get some core exercise in, my little ones. And sneak a couple Singha along with you, so much the better!
OK you VdV disciples sorry for the 2000+ word count post! But hey, it’s been awhile. Doesn’t it just give you the warm and fuzzies to be back in touch again?
Next: 72 Hours in Bangkok!
