Restaurante Zuka – Ipanema

We had our first dinner at this groovy spot in Leblon. It’s located on a pretty happenin’ street loaded with all types of spots – sushi, Italian, Greek, blah blah. This place is billed as ‘contemporary’ cuisine which means sorta like here or anywhere else on God’s green earth: whatever they want it to. They did a great design job, very open space, nice use of light wood, some concrete and lots of natural light and good lighting. Excellent ambiance. They have a front area with a dozen or so tables, a rear dining room about the same size and a dining…bar!

Of course we too full advantage of the bar. We like to get to know our chefs. Make sure they know we’re watching them, feel me? Anyhoo, everything is grilled. That is the sole source of heat they employ. A huge wood grill the length of the bar with an enormous copper hood with what must be a suck out fan the size of a jet engine. But quiet. So it never smelled grill-y or even really tasted grill-y. Which was dandy, we weren’t looking for a Ridizio or Churrascaria-type spot (that means an all-you-can-eat type of grilled meat or fish restaurant, more about that later).

What’d we chow down on? Veal Consomme (yes, we ate – or more accurately drank – veal). Excellent! Somewhat thick for a consomme, but the taste rocked it. Perfectly seasoned, more of a subtle meat flavor than a slam-you-over-the-noggin taste and creamy without using cream. Next, we had the Grilled Shrimp  on Risotto. We typically don’t order anything breaded (this had  garlic/breadcrumb coating) but it looked so damn good on the grill we pounced on it. Well, like when you chat up someone ya think is hot, then they end up being stupid or an a-hole, sometimes it’s best just to look and leave it at that. The shrimps were fresh, just a little too done and the breading didn’t work. The risotto was good, but that’s not why we ordered the dish. Bummer!

Next: Seared Ahi with Soy Reduction and Shredded Hearts of Palm and Horseradish Cream Sauce. Woo-f’ing-Hoo! You could cut this Ahi with a plastic spoon it was so tender. Excellent texture and flavor, super-fresh and not over spiced. And what is it with these South Americans and their Hearts of Palm? Hell I thought the stuff was some kind of weird tagliatelle pasta, but indeed, they shredded Hearts of Palm into a little side dish. That said, it’s yummy. This was our favorite dish by far and prolly some of the best Ahi we’ve ever had. bada-bing.

They also have a solid, if not huge, wine list. And anyone that carries my Sicilian favorite (no, not Sonny Corleone!), Nero D’Avola, scores extra points in my book. Yeah I know we’re in Malbec land but give me a break!

VdV Rating: 3.5

Casa De Feijoada – Ipanema

So we’d heard about Brazil’s traditional family dish, Feijoada. It’s actually their national dish, so how could we pass that up? Oh yeah, WTF is it, you are wondering. Well, it’s a stew made of black turtle beans, and a variety of beef or pork. Served with rice and other side dishes. And since it was rainy as hell, it seemed a good lunch meal. Actually since it takes a long time to cook, it’s really only served for lunch in this country. So we headed to Ipanema for what is supposed to be one of the best Feijoada places around, Casa De Feijoada. Nothing fancy here, people. Down and dirty (not dirty, never take us too literally. Unless we  actually say  ‘Literally’. Or ‘Seriously’. Or simply, ‘No Shit’.)

So you walk into this place and they are on ya. You will not feel lonely, let’s just say that. They lay it on a little heavy. They could take a lesson from Forneria Sao Sebastiao (below). First thing, assorted breads and this unassuming little pot of red peppers appear. So starving as I was, I took three of those little red puppies, put them on a tiny piece of bread and gobbled it down. About the same time my skull was about ready to explode, Janine reads aloud the equivalent of a Surgeon General’s warning on the menu, basically saying unless you are a fire-eater ‘Do Not Eat The Peppers’. Nice timing. Too late to spit out, I had just swallowed them to get the 1000 Fahrenheit heat off my tongue. And into my stomach. Bright. Smooth move, Exlax. 15 minutes later my tongue was recovered enough to form sentences.

Then they bring you the house moonshine (pretty good, passion fruit and gasonline or something. But good!). Then some pork sausage. Then some other stuff. Then more pork sausage. You get it. What they don’t tell you is they charge a $4 per person cover, so this is why they are bringing it all to you, whether you want it or not. Oh well. $4 is nothing, but I like to be told. We thought they just liked us! So the Feijoada. Of course we ordered the Feijoada. How was it? Pretty damn tasty. I mean, what can you expect from black beans, jerk beef, bananas and rice? We actually cheated and ordered a dish that had a little smashed pumpkin on it. Yum. It should be good. And filling. And kinda spicy. Bam.They nailed it.

The downside, this a-hole waiter tried to get us for US$140 for the meal. Kinda slipped a non-itemized piece of paper under my nose. Since we’d had a bottle of vino, a couple glasses of the house hooch I think he thought we were easy prey. Or didn’t know the exchange rate. Or simply thought we were idiots. But José didn’t know VdV very well, did he? We can do Bikram Yoga after that much alcohol. So we busted him, got the correct bill (less than half that of course) and split. So, good news: the food was traditional, home style and good. The bummer: They tried to rip us off. Don’t try to get one over on VdV suckers!

VdV Rating: 2.5 (‘cuz they tried to rip us off)

Casa De Feijoada
Rua Prudente de Moraes 10
Marius – Copacabana

Well, speaking of an all-you-can-eat spot, if you’re into putting a major hurt on your bad self (in terms of both your wallet and your digestive system) ya gotta check out Marius. It’s one of the more expensive places in the area, priced at about US$90 a head for all you can devour meat or fish. No split-skys here! And no, alcohol is not included. So I thought that was a tad spendy, especially after getting spoiled by the Argentinian Peso. And, for a somewhat expensive spot, this place is anything but fancy. It’s like you’re in a funky nautical museum and all the servers are dressed in semi-pirate attire. And, I wasn’t even that hungry! So it took a few minutes for me to get into the vibe. I selected the meats, and the other J went seafood. That way we could share. Awwww.

So for the meats….what’d I have? Here goes: Sirloin. Filet. Baby beef (I don’t know either, that’s as good as the translation went). Rib Eye. Short ribs. Spare Ribs. Filet. Skirt steak. Stripline Steak (again, I think I needed to bring along a butcher to figure 1/2 this shit out). Flank. Pork ribs. Pork Sausage. Then I think I lost consciousness. I’m sure there was more. What, no Goat?! And it was all cooked rare! (well, not the pork, but that’s a good thing) and in huge amounts. Great quality and local ranch-sourced too. Moo!

For seafood? The same type of theme: Salmon. White Cod. Black Cod. Scallops. Langostines. Ono. Grouper. Lobster. Shrimp. Grilled Squid (surprisingly good and tender). ‘Water’ fish (yeah, that translation thing again. Better than Land fish I guess). Sardines. And about a dozen things J passed up on, as they just looked a little too adventurous. Then a raw bar chock ‘full of excellent oysters, and other cool, raw (duh) seafood.

And they have a ginormous antipasti bar with all the usual suspects, plus (like we hadn’t stretched those elastic pants about as far as they’d hold) a dessert bar that even us “no I’ll pass on dessert, I’ll take my dessert in a wine glass” selves couldn’t resist.  I mean, cookies, cool white and dark chocolate beads wrapped around cream, coconut pudding, awesome trooical fruits and this killer caramel creme called Dulce de Leche.

The thing is, you’d think they’re just crankin’ this crap out as fast as possible with little care in it’s presentation or quality. Maybe at your King’s Table smorgasbord, Festus, but not here. This place kicked it, big time. Oh yeah, and they do this unplanned progressive drink special. It appears each time you order a drink, they put an extra shot in. Bonus! That fourth Vodka + Soda packed a punch.

VdV Rating: 4

Marius
Av. Atlântica 290A, Rio de Janeiro
021/2543-6363

Forneria Sao Sebastiao – Ipanema

We stumbled across this place during one of the more severe monsoon-like storms we experienced. We were all turned around, not in the mood for Italian food, but hungry, lost and on the verge of getting cranky. And although we like our share of dives or more holes-in-the-wall, this sexy, modern, classy and wide open spot looked damned inviting.

Like I said before (are you listening?), this place is classy-cool. It’s a fairly large rectangular spot with a completely open front that provides great breezes and light, with unfinished pebble and concrete walls on one side, and an open kitchen and bar down the other. But the kitchen/bar is separated by glass which keeps it quiet, while still maintaining a nice open atmosphere.  The service was excellent as well, very friendly and casual yet very well trained and efficient. Perfect timing of the food service, there when ya need ‘em, invisible when ya don’t. Like an American slob I knocked my knife off the table and our server materialized and almost snagged it before it hit the ground. OK, I think y’all get the drift.

So then it got better. We looked over at a table next to us and they had just been served…no not a warrant, fool…a marvelous looking thin crust pizza. You heard about our whines and rants about Buenos Aires and their loaf-of-bread type pies, and here was this beautiful specimen. So guess what we ordered? That’s right Einstein, the Alla Neoplitana Pizza (US$17), with Tomato Sauce, Bufala Mozzarella and Basil. Basically a Pizza Margherita. It came out in a jiffy and was awesome. Tony’s Pizzeria awesome? Pizza Nostra awesome? Not quite, but damn good and better than most in SF. So there! Details, details: The crust was very thin, nice and fresh with no corn meal, with a cracker-crisp edge and perfectly blistered on the bottom. The sauce was fresh, sweet with a perfect balance of oregano and just a little salt. And they didn’t skimp on the sauce either. The Mozzy here is different than in US or Italy, with a little more texture, but still very flavorful and tender, in nice big blobs. Plus, nice leafs of fresh basil. And the all-important Key Ingredient Distribution? They killed it! Check it out.

To finish up, we ordered the Beef (no, we won’t ever get tired of beef!) Carpaccio (US$12). They serve a nice amount, very thinly sliced, super tender with excellent flavor. Of course it came with Parmesan! The cheese here is a little different. The Parmesan is a little more orange in color than here. But it was very good as well, very fresh. And it came with our fave greens, Rocket, or spicy Rucala.

Moo. Done, right? Hells no! We had to try their pasta so ordered up a dish of their Tortelli filled with Tomato Sauce, Bufala Mozzarella and Basil (no, we won’t ever get tired of bufala, basil and tomato sauce, either. Sorry if we bore you). These puppies are pillows of love, nice plump little squares stuffed with the above goodies. With an incredible, light and sweet tomato sauce. Ever so subtle smoke flavor to it. We polished it off like ravenous coyotes. Not those polite coyotes like you’ve seen in cartoons.

VdV Rating: 4

Forneria Sao Sebastiao
Rua Aníbal de Mendonça, 112 – Ipanema – Rio de Janeiro, RJ
Telefone: (21) 2540-8045

Zaza Bistro Tropical

So someone talked this place up to us, for some reason they seemed like they were legit, so we went on Friday night, our final din din in Rio. It’s located in charming little Ipanema, right on the corner in a relatively small space, very cute and tropical with a nice, 6-8 table outdoor spot. It’s a hot place, we didn’t have resies so just rolled the dice at about 11PM. We give the hostess our most winning smiles, and yes! they had a table open outside. Giggidy.

But wait, as were were repeatedly warned, “for heaven’s sake, do not take your entire wallet anywhere at night, only take a few Real ($) and a single credit card. Those dirty dogs will fleece you blind then drop your carcass off in a favelo for those cannibal Cariocas to snack on. Nothing will be left except your fingernails, and they’ll file those to a sharp point to gouge out your own eyeballs to play marbles with…” Wow. Anyway, something like that. So we kinda listened. We took 2 credit cards – a Visa and our trusty AMEX. But we spy a small sign that says ‘MasterCard and cash only’. Buzz Kill.

So to make an agonizingly long story slightly less agonizing, we hopped back in a Taxi, and here’s the deal: ATMs in Rio SUCK ASS. Either they don’t accept Cirrus (one of the largest Visa institutions) or they limit you to $100 Real (US $60) across the network ‘cuz they figure on a Friday night there’s a pretty good chance those aforementioned dirty dogs that gouged your eyes out with your own fingernails have stolen your cards and Heavens to Betsy it’d be a shame if they took ya for more than $60 after that ordeal. It’d be like rubbing salt in the wound. So bottom line we rode around town for a good 45 minutes looking for a cash machine that would cooperate. Yes, we found one. No, I don’t remember WTF it was. That would be valuable info.

So we endured, went back, she still had our table waiting for us. The menu offers a blend of Brazilian, Middle Eastern and Indonesian
fusion resulting in unique flavors and aromas. The décor is artistically done,
candle light lit and reflects the fusion. The staff was cool and
attentive. OK, finally. Here’s what we had:

Samosas (US$13), with Shrimp, Hearts of Palm, Cilantro with Spicy Mango Chutney. Excellent appy, really good blend of spices, textures and flavors. It was actually lots better than it sounded, our server recommended it and we’re glad we took her word for it. Next, the  Chicken Curry Aromatique, with Yellow Curry, Cashews, and Bananas (US$13). This was my fave dish of the night, these cats know their spices and how to mix them just right. Seriously some of these combos did not intuitively seem like they’d jive, but they did. The chicken was a generous portion, very tender with just the right amount of heat & sweet with the addition of the banana with the spicy yellow curry.

And after that, you beg? Well, we had the other J’s fave dish, simply named Seafood Noodles (US$25), Vermicelli Pasta with Shrimp and Scallops with Lemongrass. J isn’t even that big of a fish eater, but she wolfed this stuff down A Tout de Suite, if you get my meaning. In  a hurry people. Yipes. Hey I back her up, the pasta was al denté, the fish was firm, moist and well cooked and seasoned and the lemongrass provided nice acidity and complemented the dish spot on.

Basically this is casual, tropical fare in a cool setting. Basic, straightforward presentation, nothing nuts like Sao Sebastiao above but very solid food, a great value and a rockin’ good time.

VdV Rating: 3.5

Zaza Bistro Tropical
Rua Joana Angelica, 40, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Phone: (21)2247-9101

So VdV’ers which city takes the prize for best overall foodie experience? Rio or BA? Rio takes the Gold with a slight edge in overall selection, quality and experience. But ya can’t really go wrong in either city.

Anyhoo, he did have it correct that Copacabana is pretty smokin’. We actually stayed at the Copacabana Palace, and thanks to American Express and the other J’s stunningly good looks (and my wit and charm;)..hmm maybe not, we were upgraded to a huge killer suite with an awesome view of the beach. But alas, our dreams were dashed by 3 straight days of torrential rain (translation: no beach  time and no thong/speedo watching) No ‘Brazilians’ you could say.

So what’d we do? Drank & ate like pigs, kittens! But that was not weather related. More like Status Quo in a different country. We prowled around a fair amount. But not so much on the back streets like we usually do. As much as we were warned about Rio’s crime being a little over-hyped (if that’s the right descriptor for crime), we paid heed to one of Grand pappy VdV’s sayings: “If you don’t go looking for trouble, trouble prolly won’t find you.” Occasionally that crazy old bastard made some sense.

So what’re some of the random tidbits we noticed in the land of Cariocas? Check it:

• Portuguese sucks as a language! I mean, we had just limped through Argentina on our sub-standard  Spanish, but it’s easy enough to get by. Bueno, Cervesa, Por Favor, yada yada. But Portuguese is like Russian meets Farsi. OK, not, but still definitely not a romance language, let’s put it that way. Lots of ‘X’s interjected and all-in-all not instinctive. And too many syllables for simple words like ‘Thanks‘. In Portuguese it’s Obrigado. 4 syllables. And I always wanted to add ‘Mr. Roboto’ after saying it.
• If you look at Rio in a narrow enough lens, it’s an absolutely gorgeous city. And by that lens, I mean Copa, Leblon and Ipanema and surrounding areas. Awesome beaches, huge granite cliffs falling into the ocean and lakes, great views of the downtown areas, tons of both Flora & Fauna, architectural feats like Cristo Redentor (AKA Christ The Redeemer, AKA That Big Dude on the Mountain),  Sugarloaf Mountain, a rain forest right in the city, and all that jazz.  Wait! Holy crap VH1 is actually playing a complete marathon of Madonna’s best videos. Yes in South America they actually PLAY VIDEOS on MTV and VH1…anyway, sorry. Back to Rio.
• Those aforementioned rain forests followed us around for 3 entire days like a stalker. I know that makes no sense. Rain forests are stationary. What I am trying to communicate is, it was almost 72 hours straight of near-monsoon weather.
• The beaches, even though we couldn’t lay on them or we’d get swallowed up like quicksand, we believe would live up to the hype. Ipanema especially.
• They make wicked sand sculptures.
• They are totally psyched for 2016. That said, they have their work cut out for them to clean things up a bit.
• They have slums called Favelos. Mostly gang run, they are the slums of Rio where a huge portion of the population lives, and lived below the poverty line. They’re rampant through out Rio. There are tons of ‘tours’ available. We passed.
• The sidewalks around Copa, etc are beautiful. Yeah sounds like a pretty lame observation. But it’s true! They’re made out of small chunks of black and white stone in beautiful patterns throughout many parts of the city.
• They have great food in Rio (more later). Awesome beef, seafood, pasta and….yes! Thin crust pizza!!
• As opposed to BA it’s expensive. Up there with NY or SF, at least for the touristicas
• Discotechque, bitches! Help and the one in Copacabana are some of the hottest. Hey, when in Rio…
• We spent 3 hours at the Girl from Ipanema bar, and they never played the song. For that matter we didn’t hear “Copacabana” at our hotel either…
• 5 minutes means 25 minutes no matter what.
• Even though few people speak English, they all listen to American and UK music. Plus, their radio stations are better than ours!
• Fejoada, a traditional Brazilian family dish, is damn tasty. Black beans, some type of awesome beef, rice all mixed up. Perfect dish for the rainy-ass days we had!
• ‘Big Jeezy’, aka Christ the Redeemer – No one would ever get a picture like we did, only one in existence. John got mad for the first time.

OK, of course I’m no Charlie Gibson, but hopefully gives ya a little front line on the hottest spot South of Havana.