Fisticuffs 2007 Cabernet Sauvignon
“Oh no you did not, you cad!” “No, sir you better had not! That was my mother!” “I dare say, I hoped it was your sister!” “You dirty bastard, I shall, I repeat I shall cobber slap your jib in front of your clan!” “My clan!? Take that back, you dim wanker!”
OK, enough retarded rambling. Well, not really as you’ll discover if you decide to keep reading. This is onna those wine labels ya gotta love. Enough to take it for a ride, even at $35. The Fisticuffs Cabernet Sauvignon was also semi-recommended by a friend. So did it knock us out? Read on. So as Marvin Gaye would croon, Let’s get it on!
“So in this corner, we have Fisticuffs Cabernet, born in 2007, weighing in at 3.5 pounds, going for $35 bones and hailing from Oakville in Napa California”. “And in that corner, we 
have VinDivine, coming in looking pretty bloated and pasty, hailing from Frisco! And already sweating profusely, by the way.” “This is a scheduled 4 Round brawl. Now come out swirling, smelling, sipping and spitting you two bitches!”
Ding Ding. Round 1: The color. Fisticuffs brings a deep, clear purple garnet berry complexion, an impressive color that lands like a jab to VdV’s palate. Round 1 goes to…Fisticuffs!
Ding Ding. Hey VdV quit gawking at the round bunny! Round 2: The Aroma. VdV better keep it’s guard up this round! Can Fisticuffs parlay Round 1′s success and keep the momentum going? He’s looking pretty cocky. Oh look! VdV had Fisticuffs in the corner, and…WTF! VdV is swirling Fisticuffs around. Kinda gently too. Is this a boxing match or a gay Waltz? OK, the referee broke them apart, but not after VdV got a noseful. And he doesn’t seem impressed! Whoa, VdV just landed a quick uppercut to Fisti’s jaw. I don’t think he saw that coming. Round 2 goes to VdV. We may have a fight on our hands, winos!
Ding Ding. Round 3. The rubber meets the road here, kittens. I mean bitches! There are no kittens in boxing! One fighter will take the lead with only one round remaining. Wait. What ‘tard came up with a 4-round fight? Oh well. OK, the focus for the fighters in Round 3 must be on Taste. The fighters are circling each other like caged animals and VdV has some serious flop sweat going on. Kinda looking like a greased pig. Hey, VdV just went in for a quick sip. Sly move, especially for the dilapidated physical shape he’s in. They’re dancing around now, and VdV looks..confused?! There’s no time for that!
This could spell trouble. Fisticuffs moves in, and goes for a big roundhouse. A swing and a whiff! That was the best he could do? It looks like Fisticuffs has no punch. The breeze did mess up VdV’s hair a bit, and now he looks pissed. I don’t know if it was due to his coif getting worked, or the fact that it’s apparent that Fisticuff has no game. All bark and no bite, except for those overpowering tannins. A big let down after Round 1. VdV smells the weakness like a corked 1959 Bordeaux, moves in and grabs Fisti, delivers a head butt, backs off and lands a series of below-the-belt punches. Fisti is looking weak in the knees! Oh, and now a killer straight jab that floors Fisticuffs. The ref moves in and administers the 8 count. I believe he’s out cold. VinDivine wins by TKO!
Fact is, it’s more that Fisticuffs lost. We love getting K.O.’d by kick-ass wines. But not this time, suckas.
So bottom line, if ya couldn’t stand wading through that drivel: Expectations: High. Experience: Low. Recommendation: Pass, like gas.
Note: This was a SF Chronicle Top 100 wines of 2009. So maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking about. Maybe I got a bad bottle. Maybe I’m just a whiny bitch. Maybe I should be like that freeloader Bauer does for restaurants and give things 3 shots before a full review. Did someone just say ‘shots”? Or maybe, just maybe, I have the most discriminating palate in town. Gotta go, Don King is on the other line.
VdV Rating: 2
