So we went on a mini-Pizza crawl today in NYC. Constantly searching for the best pie in the best pie town in the Continental U.S. (’cuz y’all know Hawai’i and Alaska can rock Pizza, gotta leave them out!)

We also know, yeah we know…NYC has it over SF in most things. Not just most things in the culinary sense, just most things. Period. Pizza included. Most of us SF dwellers know and respect, and figure that #2 (AKA first place for losers) is A-OK in this case.

So wanna hear it? Here it goes: Wait. First, after a few hours trapped on the runway at JFK and watching bizzaro TV, I am hooked on ‘Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami‘. OMFG.

OK, other than that, this place, Motorino, has the BEST F’ING PIZZA IN NYC! And maybe the best pie outside of Napoli, Itlay itself. Or herself. Whatever. I can’t keep it straight after the sex change.

Why? So this is messed up. 1/2 way through our crawl, we hit MotoR. We likee. Cool, small spot, narrow and just simply pizza-parlour ish. No Italians here though, all Asian. And just like those Asians rule the automobile, technology and sushi industries that we created, they are now stealing the pizza industry out from under…the Italians! And I don’t care! R&D =Rip Off & Duplicate. Just serve me a kick-ass pie and I’ll shut my pie whole.

So we see this great-looking pie called the Heirloom Tomato Pie ($18), and bark out our order. It arrives. The other J hurls. Why? No Sauce. Bam. And janky cheese. Personally, I thought it was OK, dug the incredible green, red & purple heirlooms and thin crust. But did agree on the cheese, but with a side of sauce I coulda been happy.

But the other J is waaay sharper than I. She said “F this pie it sux ass. Let’s order the Margherita Pizza ($15)  and see if it redeems”. Or something like that. So we order the Margy. And….Holy Crap it is the BEST F’ING MARGY IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES!

The crust is so thin, and so perfectly blistered it’s not even funny. Perfect. And the tomato sauce is dead-on sweet/spicy San Marzano, and the Mozzarella just-so melted gives the entire pie a wild creamy texture that will rock your world. Almost pornographic. Top that with copious (yes, copious, look it up) amounts of basil and…well, first: Why do so many pizza pie pushers skimp on Basil? I mean, I can buy a bushel of basil for a buck. And VdV, bitches for Key Ingredient Distribution (KPI! Live, Learn it, Love it), get a little bummed and bitchy when pizzialos skimp on the basil. Know what? Do ya, punk?! MotoR brings it! Yee Haw! Lotsa slightly burnt basil too. So good and a magic meal maker. my people.

Bottom line: Go! Yeah, they served us $10 per glass Greco Di Tufo in dixie-cup glasses. But WTF cares?! This Margy pie is da bomb. Go! I said!

Hey, you know us. Happy shiny people, am I not right? Skipping (and drinking and eating) hand-in-hand through life. Happy as pigs in poo, and all that. We like to look at the bright side. OK, OK, I hear ya, owner of K&L Wine Merchants: you are an unlucky exception. Well, ya think we have issues with you? Read on:

<begin rant> Two words: Walk in here and you’ll get scabies. On your face.

Why? The owner is a complete & utterly sleazy d-bag.  He (and ‘he’ is lucky I didn’t look up his actual name) changed the name of his shit hole wine bar, ‘SNOB Wine Bar’ (stood for Sonoma, Napa or Beyond, cute ‘eh), to The Pour House.

Why is this so terrible, you ask? Well this complete & utterly sleazy d-bag knowingly stole the name out from under Chris Fogarty, Todd and gang over at R Bar. One of the, if not the, best dive bars in SF. Now we all know that Chris & co. are the coolest, and have been getting some good ink around opening up their second watering hole, The Pour House, later this year. So this desperate, SAY IT WITH ME PEOPLE complete & utterly sleazy d-bag steals the name out from under them in some pathetic attempt at short-term gains. And then flaunts it in front of them.

Pretty bad move, dude. I’d say picket this place, but I don’t want them getting any more attention than possible. Hopefully we’ll just see it boarded up soon. Just Don’t Go. Word. There’s plenty of other spots to grab a glass of vino in SF. <end rant>

Oh yeah, they have roaches, too! (seriously, I smashed one with their menu).

OK y’all, have a great day! (At anywhere other than The Pour House)

Watch out, Tres Agaves, Mijita and the rest o’ ya, there’s a new sheriff in town. And it’s a…300-lb. hairy, curly-tailed, cloven-hoofed yet adorable sombrero-toting swine named Paul Cardi…ooops! I mean named Pedro El Pig!

(Imagine if you will, a pig speaking with a Mexican (or Hispanic, Latino or whatever does not offend anyone) wait I just did parenthesis inside parenthesis) accent “Heeeey Tres Amigos, I mean Agaves, I lift my squat leetle leg and urinate on your second-rate bush you call agave.”  And if Eric Ruben were still there, I’d spray some of my caustic pee on that mealy mouthed  d-bag too”.

Hey man, ya can’t F around with Pedro. Especially when Pistol Pete Osborne, the King of King Street, has his back. First MoMo’s, then Pete’s Tavern, and now, Pedro’s Cantina.  WTF is he gonna do next? Norwegian street food? We’re in!

So yeah, this cool joint opened Friday, and the VdV crew also had a VIP sneak peek Wednesday and Thursday before. OK, we snuck in. Anyhoo, wow. Pedro’s is f’ing ginormous, period. And done up right, gringos. Big ‘ol space, warehouse style with ceilings all the way up, a mezzanine, tons ‘o TVs, great natural lighting (as opposed to Pete’s which has more of a ‘let’s hunker in the bunker’ sports bar vibe) and…a bar that I swear on my dog Buster’s grave, is perhaps the biggest bar I’ve ever seen. How big? Hell I dunno. How big is the sun? If you put astroturf on top you could play a legal game of Arena Football. Let’s just say that. ‘Cept we wouldn’t let arena footballers in ‘cuz they’re wussies.

So, Pedro El Pig has big aspirations. I like it. Aim high, go high, and all that motivational crap. So do they bring it, Cantina style?

Well first, Pete brought in the A-Team. No not that A-Team, ‘tardo. Paul Cardinale, Tony Heiva, Rachel Bonfigli, Pete Jr. and Damon Hall running the kitchen for starters. All MoMos or Pete’s alumni. Meaning…Not their first rodeos, bitches.

VdV DIGS Pedro’s menu. Live it. Learn It. Love It. Oh yeah…Eat It. It’s cantina. They’re not trying to be all high brow yada yada like T.A. They are hearing the sub-11,000 Dow Jones Industrial Average and hitting a sweet spot bigger than a manhole-size tortilla.

OK, I’m about done. If you have bothered to notice, VdV likee. Here’s some standouts:

I am a fan of the Pedro’s Margarita, all mixed up with Jalapeno and Fresh Lime Juice, served on the rocks.

We also loooove they have Clase Azul. If ya don;t know it…get to know it. And Fortaleza Blanco! Like Butterscotch pudding. If pudding tasted like tequila.

But first, if we may. If you can’t serve some serious chips & salsa, just roll up the tents and go back to your single wide. We, if you can entertain us here, actually…consulted, if you can humor us…on the salsa. That’s right. Pete, speak up! We helped right?! Anyhoo, we set the bar high, and they hit it like the Fosbury Flop. The way Fosbury did it, kittens! And for all of you born before 1969, that means they nailed it.

More? Well, ya can’t really run afowl. What? So, get anything, like the Crispy Tacos ($7), three small Chorizo-filled numbers with nice spice and..wait, it’s THREE kick ass tacos for $7 bones, what do you care what more is in it!? Just get it!

We’re also into the Street Style Tacos ($3), soft tortillas filled with your choice of meat (chicken chile rojo, chicken chile verde, machaca beef, pork carnitas, pork chile verde or grilled prawns), altho the Machaca Beef and Chicken Rojo are our faves, and the Quesadilla ($6) with Chicken Chile Verde, Jack & Cheddar Cheese.

Really? Seriously?! Eat it all. It’s good food in the neighborhood.

Anyhoo, in most other parts of the Northern Hemisphere (or at least the East Bay) it truly is Rosé season. Personally I’d just prefer to never have to commute across the Bay Bridge (or for that matter the SM or Dumbarton) to pretend I live here. Jesus Christo that was bitchy. But I speak from…no, not my ass! from experience. VdV did time in Walnut Creek, Sunnyvale, Palo Alto, even Eugene. All the ‘burbs.

But hey, brutha, I was doin’ some bidness (no, not that type of biz) down in Los Altos the other day and I do, yes I admit I DO understand, the bizarre attraction to the nether regions. Sun. Oh yeah, and those Carls Jrs, gotta love ‘em! Ha.

OK, don’t be a hater, and don’t start doubting yourselves. You’re fine. Just stay over there and look at SF. That’s good enough. At least you don’t need a parka.

So, you want the Skinny? The Low-Down? The Grease? What? OK, here goes: First, although I despise all the Pierre’s I’ve met up to now – I mean, they’re all mommy-loving self-loathing retards -THIS Pierre is The Shit in my book. Ahoy?

“This pink beauty offers a powerful nose, white peach with spicy notes, evolving towards candied apricots, guava, exotic fruit. Great fullness in the mouth, a rich wine with great character, excellent aromatic length typical to this Chateau’s unique terroir. 40% Grenache and 60% Cinsault”.

Oh man, that’s rich. If you bought that (i.e. that completely ripped-off review from our biggest fans at K&L) then have I got a vineyard for you to buy. In San Pablo. Bids, anyone?

So. Seriously? Really? Wanna Gere it? Gere it goes:

This wine is really good. Peachy, nice light strawberry notes, the epitome of a killer Provence Rosé. Get some! Word.

Yeah, we kicked it at the “almost brand spankin’ new”  Prospect the other night with our Rock ‘n Roll Uber and Duber Chef friends Spencer & Sarah the other night. Wait. I think I just said ‘the other night’ twice. At least I caught it before you did. Anyhoo, lemme tell ya fella S&S can be downright restaurant bitches (Gordon Ramsey step the F off) so we’re always on edge when we dine with them. So to take that edge off, we drink. What can I say.

So, I know, I know, you fluffy, filthy little kittens. You haven’t felt the love lately have you? “Oh yeah, VdV’s gone all International and all, reviewing Paris, Capri and other far reaches of God’s Green Earth. WTF are we San Franciscan’s gonna do to fill our pathetically lonely days and nights now?” Well, 1): That’s right. We’d drop your asses in a New York minute if a better gig came up. And b) ‘Nights’ in SF only really means until 10p, so just go home and watch Law & Order and quit pretending. There, there. It’ll all work out. Your parents still love you. If not, get some goldfish.

So. Let’s just dispense with the preamble, shall we? And dive right in. (Whew)

Prospect is a cousin….or a sister…hmmm…redheaded stepchild? of Boulevard, one of the top-rated restaurants in SF for years. Wait. I LOVE redheads! Anyway, VdV loves Boulevard too. Except that one time I had Skate Wing. But really, that was user error, not theirs. WTF was I thinking?

So, this place is located in the Infinity Towers on Folsom. That ‘hood, if you can call it that, is slowly turning into a little more like a hood. Good for them. These people need to eat, too. The cuisine here is Cal-American, which means they can offer up anything from Roasted Chicken to Escargot Cracker Jacks and it fits the bill.

From what I heard, they’re going for a younger, hipper, way more sexy crowd than Blvd. Which is why they sent an engraved invitation and Bentley to whisk the four of us over there, bitches! Well, one of the two S’s had to ride in the trunk. Ha. But yes, back to reality. A younger crowd and slightly (read: slightly, the prices are lower but so are the plates) less expensive chow. Cool by me.

This place has a cool, sleek semi-industrial look and a cool vibe. Lotsa natural light, high ceilings, nice and open floor plan, and a nice bar area up front. Yada yada. You get it. Well done, a cool spot to see and be seen.

So, what was I saying again? About dispensing with the preamble? Oh yeah!

So this joint has a small menu. About 14 appys (’small plates’ as they say these days) and 1/2 dozen entreés. Smart. You can always add menu items, but people start to bitch when you take away. And for a relatively limited menu, we liked what we saw. Here’s the rundown!

Golden Beets ($12) with sherry-honey vinaigrette, spiced walnut brittle and  manchego cheese. I used to hate beets when I was a tyke. Hey, I said Tyke, smart-ass. But I love ‘em now, and this little dish was solid. A very interesting choice of surprisingly complementary flavors and textures.

More fish! What? Black Cod ($15), with a shiso shrimp fritter, shitakes, snap peas and red curry. See the theme? What a great combo of flavors, spices and textures. Tip o’ da hat to you, Chef! I love Black Cod, so expect a lot. I mean, have you ever had it at Ame? Go. Anyway, this lived up to the lofty VdV expectations, and the addition of the red curry gave it a nice, subtle kick. And that Shiso Shrimp Fritter? Bank!

Yellowtail Crudo ($14), with a wicked seaweed rice cracker, pickled cucumber, & white miso. VdV likee! That miso made it. Just did. The fish itself was see-thru-thin, raw bitch! with some very nice flavor flav. Hey, it was super-fresh and very good, the cuc added some crunch and tartness, and these people rock the miso. And altho the other J shies away from anything remotely seaweed-ish, she came in on that cracker and dug it like a miner.

Still no meat! Porcini Mushrooms ($16), with a slow cooked farm (duh) egg, pancetta (aka BACON!), semolina  and aged balsamic. Notice the $1 increments in our appys? No? Pay Attention!! I’d rename it to Bacon & Eggs Porcini Style or something. Whatever. Again the flavors all came together in a crescendo of tastiness. Yes. A Crescendo!

Then, outta nowhere, Buffalo appeared. Or should I say roamed? Anyhoo, Buffalo Carpaccio ($16 but I think it was free), with Fried Oysters, aioli and spinach salad. OK first. Spencer and I had a real go of it with oysters the size of car tires the weekend before up in Tahoe. So here were these…Oysters. Wow. It was seriously mental for both of us. I didn’t even want to see a pearl for at least a month after that last episode, and here arrives, without us ordering it, a dish with oysters. And more to the point: Buffalo & Oysters? WTF is this chef on acid?! Moreover, is he a Sadist?!

But hey, I do like the gamey nature of the ‘other’ red meat. I do think the addition of oysters was a little freaky though. I mean, it was like two separate dishes, nothing about ‘melding of flavors’ here. But I manned up (I, not Spencer) and tried one of the molluscs. Y’know what? It was OK.

Next? Petrale Sole ($24) with butter bean mousseline, bacon (BACON!), chanterelles, haricot verts, & yellow wax beans. Verdict? This was another excellent fish course. Perfectly cooked, good sized portion, and bundled with lots of fresh beans and mushrooms. But was ours halibut? It looked more like Halibut to all of us. Oh well, it was good!

OK, we went in for some more meat. Pork Cheeks ($22), with ancient grains, confit fennel, kumquats and toasted garlic. Ancient grains? Dang, gurl I think I saw a hairy mole on one of them. For whatever reason, I ‘liked’ but did not ‘love’ this dish. I wouldn’t get it again, but S&S both liked it more.

Desserts? Hells yeah, Sarah was with us! Root Beer something or other, Caramel Corn, prolly da best ever, and some Peach Pocket Pie type of gizmo. All good. Sorry for lack of detail and completely mutilating the names. Just take us at our word.

So bottom line? This place brings it. Cool vibe, a good dining/bar scene, friendly service and fresh, creative menu items that are well executed. It ain’t cheap, but don’t whine. Oh yeah…We’re back, bitches! You’re welcome:)

So you really can’t go wrong in Capri. Just don’t take a wrong turn at the Marina, you’ll get wet! Har dee har har. Yuck yuck yuck. OMG, I’m holding my belly. Milk just came out of my nose. Stupid. Anyway, back to talking about something we know: eating. And like I said, it’s hard to have a bad food experience here, except maybe on some of the places around Marina Grande. Touristy and…well..touristy. I’m bummed for many of the people that think Marina Grande epitomizes Capri & Capri dining. Oh well. Screw them!

So here’s a random sampling of some of da best of da best on Capri. Hey, we’re not talkin’ pizzas here, if ya want that read our rants here.

Villa Verdé Pasta Pomodoro

Villa Verdé rocks it for lunch and din din. They have a big outdoor terrace (no sea view), a big ‘ol lista di vino and a great menu. We’ve talked about their pies, but their basic Pomodoro pasta brings it too. It’s all Dougie Fresh. Oops, I mean Freshie fresh. And simple. Fresh spaghetti cooked slightly al dente, slightly sweet San Marzano tomato sauce, a little fresh grated parmesan and lots of fresh basil leaves on top. A little sweet with attitude. Yummy.

da Giorgio, located near the main piazzetta, was a place we shied away from in the past ‘cuz, well, it’s in the piazetta, Guiseppe! Only fools eat there! Ha. “Well, well even an old dog like VdV can learn a new trick on occasion”. Hey, I heard that. This place is pretty large, with great views over Marina Grande and the sea, and some of the best seafood in town. The service is fun, friendly and professional and they have some excellent seafood dishes. Our fave was the Grilled Sea Bass with Lemon. Again, simple, people. The photo does not do the taste of this dish justice.  Simplicity works when you’re blessed with good ingredients. Let the fish do the talkin’. Capiche?

Di Giorgio Sea Bass

Best Gnocchi on Capri? Ristoranté Aurora. Formerly Pizzeria Aurora. As we previously whined like spoiled little infants, we liked this place better back in the day when it was a little more casual. Waahhhh! Anyhoo, they do, at least the night we were there, have a damn good-looking clientele. Criminy! ‘Nuff said. Well, friend, the thing to get here? Wait. First. They have a relatively small outdoor seating area out front, where you can do some good people watching. They also have an outdoor patio area in the back. And in the middle? No, not a rich, creamy nougat filling. Yeah, that’s right – a dining room. And that’s the only table we could score:( Obviously VinDivine needs some help expanding it’s presence into the global market. ‘Cuz now that we rule, the U.S., it’s time!

Anyway, I’m pretty picky about Gnocchi. Just seems like a ginormous waste of carbohydrates if it is not perfection. Aurora’s Gnocchi Capresé is heavenly. That’s right, bitch. I said heavenly. I cannot, will not, ever, forgive myself for not getting a pic of this dish. But close your eyes and Go There With Me Now: Imagine tender, melt-in-your-mouth, tiny pillows of love each about the size of the tip of your pinky finger. Lovingly surrounded by just-picked-off-the vine tomato sauce, with a little Bufala Mozzarealla melted in. Drool. Topped with the perfect amount of torn up fresh basil on top, right at the end. Served spoonful by spoonful by a sexy angel. This shit melts in your grimy little mouth!

Some of da best Linguine Vongole? That’s Linguine with Clams, heathen.  And I mean tiny, sweet little clams, about as big as a dime, not those gross horseneck ones they try shoving down your gullet in the States. Some of the best? Ristoranté Aurora and Villa Verdé. Perfectly prepared pasta, tender, small clams with just a little briny flavor, with killer white wine and garlic sauce. Sponge up the rest of the sauce with bread and you’re a happy camper. (I’m making up for my previous random rant with just a simple shout out here).

Da Luigi's Shellfish Pasta

And I’ve gotta tell ya, the Cheese-Stuffed Ravioli and Razor Clam, Mussles and Clams Pasta at Da Luigi kicked it. There’s a long kinda steep trail you can take, but we arrived in style (Boat. Want more scintillating details on our excursion? Read here). Anyhoo, it’s just ripe, fresh goodness, everything prepared and cooked with care and skill. And the house made pasta, just a little thick but scrumptious and a perfect balance to the sauce and shellfish. I mean, the other (hot) J, who was never that big into shellfish is now a convert. Mussels this, clams that. Can’t shut her up. Problem is, after the stuff on Capri it’s gonna be tough to keep her happy. And we like her happy. So maybe another trip to Capri, pronto!

Best Capresé Salad? Anywhere. It’s named after the island, people. Babies come out of the womb making this stuff. You sleep with the fishes if you can’t bring it. Done deal.

Other notables: La Capannina (the restaurant, not the bar we raved about here), has good Steamed Mussels and Clams with a slightly thicker than usual white wine sauce.

Sollievo's awesome Branzino

Wait! Holy carp. Or crap. Sollievo! How the hell could I forget Sollievo? This place may have been overall, well, tied with Villa Verdé for some of da best. It’s a great family-run (duh, everywhere in Capri is family run) place with lots of outdoor seating. The owner’s husband actually waited on us, and was super cool. Excellent meal! I can’t remember the exact names of each dish, but we had these big thick tubes of pasta – the widest pasta ever – with clams in a light garlic and oregano sauce. Oh yeah, with white wine as a base. We also had Sauteéd Branzino with Roasted Potatoes. Sauteéd in lemon, a pound of butter and white wine. Bada-Bing. Luscious-ness defined.

Soooo. Our humble reco? Get yer ass to Capri pronto. Eat until you want to barf. Barf, then start eating again!

1) Our best bud Barry was able to meet us for a few days, from London.

b) Get up, pig out on breakfast on our terrace at Hotel La Scalinatella, overlooking the sea. Doesn’t matter if you order a single croissant or a 1 scrambled egg, you’re gonna get a basket of killer pastries, 3 perfectly scrambled eggs with grilled tomatoes, and a loaf of toast & butter. And terrific coffee. Moo.

c) Continue staring out at the beautiful Tyrrhenian Sea, listening to all the birds while your ginormous breakfast settles. Burp a few times. Never gets old. No, not the burping part, looking at the sea, fool!

2) Strap on our Nikes and go for a (steep) run up to Tiberius’ Castle, then a (steep) run down through the hundreds of steps of Pizzalungo. Burn those carbs, baby! Yes, yes I know – this part would prolly be left off most of your ‘perfect’ lists.

d) Grab our bud Barry and head to the Marina. Rent a Posideon boat (one of those good-size rubber boats with a big motor) from Jeppé at Banana Sport. Wait! First, we loaded up on as many bottles of wine as we could carry. Then to the boat! Jeppe and his wife (?) are the coolest. She gave us the best survival tip of the entire trip: “Big Boats Go First”. Words to live by, and it may have spared our lives. Anyhoo, we treated that boat like our bitch. All of us basically went flying at some point. We had two speeds – Idle and Full-f’ing-throttle.

e) Cruise through the arches of those famous rocks, Il Faraglioni, at top speed. Over and over. That doesn’t get old, either.

6) Cut the motor, dive in and swim the impossibly crystal blue waters beneath Arco Naturalé. No way to get here besides boat. Or if you jump off a cliff a few hundred yards above. We chose boat.

g) Feed the hunger! We pulled our boat into the little cove near Faraglioni for a Lido (beach, you cretin) lunch at Da Luigi. We anchored (at least we thought so) that pig, and beckoned one of the dudes to come and pick us up.

We scored a seaside table and ordered up some Rosé, Mussels & Clams in Homemade Pasta, Ravioli and Caprese salad (’cept you just call it ’salad’ in Capri. Same for short pants).

?) Watch our boat start to drift out to sea…Concerning. Better yet? Watch Barry sprint like, well, what’s that fast guy from Jamaica? Usain Bolt. Yes, sprint like Usain Bolt to get someone to haul it back in and do a proper job of setting the anchor. Breathe a sigh of relief, and resume our awesome lunch.

*) Buzz around the island a few more times. Fact: we could circumnavigate Capri in ~20 minutes at full throttle. (Actually I just always wanted to say ‘circumnavigate’.)

That's Antonio with our Rosé!

10) Drop the boat like it’s hot and go poolside at either La Scalinatella (where we stayed) or Casa Morgano (next door, where Barry stayed) for sundown cocktails and relaxation, and planning for the night. Antonio at Scalinatella or Vincenzo at Casa Morgano are the coolest. Note – the pool at Casa Morgano is a little better.

!) Change and stroll the square, grabbing drinks here and there at all teh cool outdoor bars. Most of the day-tripper tourists are gone by sunset. Then we happened upon the US/England World Cup Game (yes, I know, it’s taken a week or three to post this. Oh. And yes again. I admit using ‘happen’ as a verb is a little gay). Barry is a Brit, so it was Game On. OK, OK no he is not a Brit, just teasing. He just a) lives in London, 2) has a slight accent, and 3) uses phrases like ‘tosser’, ‘sorted out’ ‘pear-shaped’, and ‘mate’. But no, he is 100% red-blooded American with a US Passport for proof. OK, now that that’s cleared up. Watch US battle to a draw, and better yet, witness this d-bag Brit behind us cry.  A d-bag in Salmon Pants, may I add.

g) Grab an incredible din din at Da Gorgiou. One of our dudes, Vincenzo, at Casa Morgano scored us a table at this place, and it kicked our asses. Awesome views, killer grub, f’ing fun people. The best seafood dish, perhaps of the entire trip.  The Italian version of Sea Bass. Il Sea Bassio, or something like that. Simple, grilled with lemon. Done deal. The owner had the serious hots for the other J. Can’t blame him.

`0) Hit La Capaninna hard for drinks. So there’s about 40 places on this island called La Capaninna. This is the bar, on a windy little back street. It’s been around for years, but we just found it! How the hell did we miss it before? Well, it’s a new fave. They have an outdoor terrace, fun people, a cool chick with a dog tattoo, kickin’ alcohol, nice people. No views, just good times.

14) Club it baby!! There’s actually a few clubs here. The hot spot wanted 40 EU each as a cover, and I must admit that I got  a cheap attack. So we went to Club #2. No really, that’s the name. Club #2. No Caperto! We got our swerve on, danced our asses off to good tunes, had several shots of decent tequila! and next thing we knew it was 3a. Barry held out an extra hour. Fortunately, no pix of us dancing here;)

l) Stumble home though the cool, narrow little streets. No cars allowed, so no danger of getting flattened unless you run into something stationary.

s) Lay out on the terrace with a glass of vino, watching the stars. Pass out on said terrace. Wake up, go inside pull the black outs and sleep til noon!

z) Lather, rinse, repeat. If this ain’t livin’ what is?!

Whatever, it’s not a pretty sight. Salmon, actually all gilled creatures, should take offense. At the risk of making your eyes bleed (and of being completely random), refer below, all taken within a two-hour window while getting hammered in the main Pizzetta in Capri – this is just a subset! Hey, maybe VdV needs to add a fashion section.

The author & photographer are on the right!

Trianon Da Ciro

Pizzeria Trianon Ca Ciro – This one’s in Napoli, not Capri, but close enough. So sue me! Wait, on second thought don’t. Anyway, where Villa Verde gets the award for Best Pizza on the Island of Capri, the pie here is the best pie of the trip. Read our review.  Grade: 5

Aurora – Back in the day, when it was Aurora Pizzeria, this was our fave. A daily go-to for thin crust margy with hot oil and a carafe or three of house wine. Well, the pizza is still very good even though Aurora has gone from Pizzeria to a more upscale restaurant. The cheese is very flavorful, and the tomato sauce has an excellent blend of sweetness with some nice bite from the oregano and garlic. Oh yeah, great crust too! Grade: 4

Villa Verdé

Villa Verdé – Fan-f’ing-tastic Margarita pie. The crust was perfectly thin, with a very slight crisp to it and perfectly blistered. The sauce rocked it, with a slight sweetness from the San Marzanos, and the cheese was  tender Bufala, melted perfectly. The Key Ingredient Distribution of the cheese and sauce was perfection. And the addition of hot oil makes it! Our fave on the island this time around! Grade: 5

La Capannina – This is a cute spot, with a good menu. But, blah pie for most part. Nothing about the crust, sauce or toppings stood out. We wanted it too, we’re looking for a new daily go-to! But, no. Remember, this is a tough grading scale! Grade: 2.5

da Giorgio

da Giorgio – Bam. These guys are solid. Located near the Piazza above Marina Grande (read: Touristica-ville), we always blew right past this spot. But our bud Vincenzo from Casa Morgano (an excellent hotel here), where our pal Barry was staying, hyped it big time and got us in on a busy Saturday night. Bada-bing. In addition to all the awesome non-pizza food we enjoyed, the Margarita Pizza was spot-on. And, the people here are even more fun and cool than usual, and that’s saying something about Italian hospitality. I mean, if an Italian hates you, you’re either 1) French or b) A d-bag. Anyhoo, check it. As with most Great Pies, it’s the basics that make it. Simple, fresh and perfectly cooked. And I liked the way the basil leaves were so randomly tossed on, and right at the end so they were ever-so-slightly softened from the heat of the pie, but still garden fresh. Yum! Grade: 4.5

La Piazzetta

La Piazzetta – Hey itsa great pie. We hit this place every time we’re walking down to Marina Piccola, it’s super laid-back, with a big outdoor terrace. We had a couple pies, one a Margy w/ Mushrooms and one Pomodoro with Arugula. This little place brings it, people. Both pies were excellent, but the Pomodoro, with the sweet little cherry tomatoes and spicy arugula was a real winner. Plus, they put sauce on it. Sometimes when you order a Pomodoro the only tomato is the tomatoes on it, this one had terrific sauce as well. A slight knock for the crust getting just a tennsy weensy too thick near the edges, but that’s it. Hey we’re bitches, you wouldn’t even notice! Grade: 4

Ristorante Sollievo – We’re gonna knock the pie, but I gotta tell ya fella, the rest of the meal was awesome. Anyhoo, this is called ‘Pizza’ roundup for a reason, so here goes. We had the Marinara pizza, and I just didn’t like it that much. The crust was a little chewy, and I guess I just wanted cheese. Yes, yes, I hear you; “Well, don’t order a Marinara Pizza then, dumbass.” But I tried to keep an open mind, and will also defer to my co-tasters. The sauce was a little bitter. Blah! But go for other food, the seafood & pasta dishes are OFF THE HOOK!! Grade: 2.5

They call this a Pizza?!

Capri’s Ristorante – Pizza? You call this Pizza? WTF is this crap? THAT’S NOT A PIZZA!!! Now I’m pissed. Shit, this was our last day too, we got a late start to grabbing lunch and this was the only place we could find still serving. Two words: Buzz Kill. Grade: 1. Wait. Make that 0.

Even the Airport makes a killer pie!

Napoli Airport: Yes, a no-name airport resto. And no, it’s not in Capri. I know! But after being royally bummed about that crap they served us at Capri’s Ristorante, I mean look at that (up and to the right)! Ugh. OK, I’ll get over it. Anyhoo, we were still a bit hungry, so went to the one ‘restaurant’ in the Napoli Airport. They served salads and panini mostly. But we saw one station, completely empty, that ’said’ they served pizza. Like I said, deserted. No server, no people, no nothing. So I yelled out ‘Pizza!’ and a woman from the salad station walked over. Great, I’m thinking. It’s gonna be a shitty pizza day for VdV. So I order a Margarita Pie and a huge bottle of wine to wash down what I think is gonna be a real loser.

But wait! They make it fresh, I almost wept. She pulled out a ball of dough and went to town on it like a pro, kneading it then tossing it like she’d been doing it for decades. Then ladled on some tangy smelling tomato sauce. Then she grabbed a ball of mozzarella, and tore little chucks off. Same with fresh basil. It made us happy. The crust could have been a little more blistered, but WTF, we’re at an airport! And it helped us end our pizza exploration on an up note after that f’ing horrid pizza (pizza?) at Capri’s Ristorante. Grade: 3

So long story short? Ha. Short. Right! Like I said (or she said), it’s hard to go wrong on this island no matter what you eat and it’s that way with the pies too. Except for Capri’s Ristorante, even a ‘3′ beats almost anything you’d find in the States.

So our awesome foodie friends Bob & Jane, who know Paris like the back of their hands, highly recommended Les Ombres to us. And VdV Does Not Argue with Bob & Jane. Period. They Know Their Shit, feel me? So, we phoned our dude Sanjay at the hotel we typically stay in, and told him to hook us up À tout de suite. Getting a resie at this place is a pretty hot ticket right now, and is located in the beautiful Museé du Quai Branly, in the 7th just off the Seine. Branly had an incredible African art exhibit BTW. Highly recommended by VdV. Tons of ancient masks, intricate wood carvings…but hell, let’s get serious: y’all don’t come here to expand your knowledge of African culture!

So, first off, Festus. It’s not pronounced ‘LAZE HAHM-BRAZE’, you annoying Texan tourist. They didn’t name this for the Spanish meaning for a dude, OK? But wait. It’s also not ‘LEZ AHM-BREH’. Yep, that’s what I thought, Francophile that I am. Dumbass. It’s pronounced ‘LEZ AHM’. WTF happened to the last 4 letters, 3 of ‘em consonants?! Those crazy French! FYI, translation is ‘The Shadows’, prolly because it is in the shadows of the Eiffel Tower.

The restaurant is located on the roof of the museum, full of windows and great views, especially of the Eiffel Tower, but also a good part of the Right Bank as well (nothing like Le Jules Verne, but in a  city of relatively few high rises still offers some awesome panoramas), and you can walk out on the roof terrace as well. Gee whiz, was that a run-on sentence for the ages, or what? Weather permitting they also serve outdoors (but don’t quote me on that).

So after we knocked back a couple pops, we ordered din din. Wanna hear about it? Here it goes!

Wild Sea Bass Ceviche (29 Euro), with Green Mango and Shiso. Although the bass was very fresh, it was served in huge slabs, and I like my ceviche prepared more finely cut. Wish I had a photo of it, but really, the presentation might have been ‘elegant’ but not that appetizing. The shiso was good, and did make for a nice balance with the fish. Overall though, we weren’t very impressed. No, we’re not to the level of Ceviche Bitches (yet), but we know our shit!

Next, the Crunchy Vegetables Salade (25 Euro), with Smoked Sesame Salt & Truffle Oil. Good, fresh veggies including mushrooms (fortunately not crunchy), legumes, cherry tomatoes, carrots, zucchini, pearl onions, even turnip served on a bed of arugula and friseé. It was served with a nice, light  vinaigrette, and was overall a very tasty salad and I dug the smoked sesame salt. Worth $30 bones? Without a big ‘ol chuck of steak, hells no! But you don’t come here for a Full Meal Deal, kittens.

For entreés, we had the Ferra Filet (28 Euro), with Creamy Onions, Beans & Tarragon Brioche. What? Ya don’t know what Ferra is, you cretin? Ha, we had no clue either. It’s a firm white fish from local waters in Switzerland and France. It came fried, and again was a very pretty little dish. But I tell ya, the fish was devoid (yes, devoid) of flavor! Without the sweet Tarragon Brioche it laid on, it would have been like eating air. Air that you chew, but still air. The creamy onions and green beans did have nice flavor though, and all put together made for a pretty good bite.

Next, the Lapin Paella (32 Euro), with Chorizo, Mussels & Prawns. That’s right – we ate Bugs! Hey at least it wasn’t Chevel. But, why oh why do they demand on pronouncing this dish ‘PI-ELLA’. It’s PI-A-YAH. Two Ls means you do not pronounce the L, it turns into a ‘YAH’. That’s right – screw you Gordon Ramsey I think you started it, or are at least propogating this bastardized version of its pronunciation!

Wow, who was on acid when they designed this bad boy? I mean, take a gander: This is messed up! In an impressive way. I guess this is what they mean by ‘gastronomiqué’! Sure, visually it was like seeing Paella in a museum, but I dunno, once broken down for bites, it just didn’t turn me on. The texture of the risotta perhaps. I mean, after a couple sophisticated bites, I went in like a butcher and mixed everything up into a nice maché, but the flavors didn’t all come together for me although individually you couldn’t really knock any individual component (except for the risotto).

We passed on the ‘Piece of Pig’, but I did love that menu name. Wait, here’s what it is, straight from the menu: Piece of pig : mignon fillet, foot and cheek. Braised leeks and juice-flavoured licorice. Say what? ‘juice-flavoured licorice’? Not to mention ‘Foot’. Anyway, if you’ve had it let us know!

Ding ding dessert time! Tartine Au Citron (13 euro), or, as the menu stated: The Lemon Tart As We Imagine. Okey dokey.  Anyhoo, it was ab-fab. Hell, it’s a Lemon Tart, people! The other J’s fave dessert I think, of all time. She digs Lemon Tart, in any language. And Tartine Au Citron sounds pretty sexy. It was pretty f’ing awesome, as I mentioned, perfectly sweet but not too sweet, great textures, obviously assembled by a dessert artisté as well. Sorry the pic is kinda dark, it doesn’t do it justice.

Along with the meal? A very nice 2006 Meursault Tillets (90 Euro) from Burgundy. A very well-made white, with excellent viscosity and mouthfeel, flavors of apple and pear and all-in-all a great accompaniment to the meal.

So would we recommend Les Ombres? Well, yes. It wasn’t as mind-blowing as we built it up to be, but 1) they put a ton of effort and care into each dish b) it is a pretty romantic spot 3) shit what was 3? Oh yeah, they get a ton of great reviews, so maybe we were just in the mood for something a bit more down to earth that night, or we just don’t know what we’re talking about! Either way, we’d probably give it another go!