CON: If you are a veggie

Hey I may not know much kittens, but I do know a few things:

• Napoli-style pizza
• Hmmm. wow. Crap. Lemme think. Oh yeah:
• Epic Roasthouse has somma da best Steak Tartare in the universe!

So to call your restaurant ‘Epic’, you have to be a certain type of person. And I guess Pat Kuleto is just that type. I mean, we all know Pat has a ginormous…ego! Hey I can say that.

In addition to it being generally accepted in the rumor mill, I actually choppered (yes as in ‘arrived in a helicopter’…ahh the benefits of VdV-ness;) to his sprawling winery and pad in Napa awhile back and met Pat. Pleasant enough, but the dude has an Epic Ego. Maybe that’s how he named this place. Hey he has a helipad at his house, maybe the ego is earned. Who knows. I did really like his Black Lab though. He was fun and pretty humble to boot.

So we came to Epic right when they opened up and were underwhelmed. Mainly the service, which I guess is to be expected at the get-go, but because of that, we just kinda wrote it off.

But recently we heard our bud Jeff, ex-MoMos, was working the bar and decided to stop by for a bevvie or three. Yee Haw we’re giddy we did. Sure it was Jim-dandy catching up with Jeff, but it was the Steak Tartare that rocked our world.

Why, you ask? First, quit whining. OK, here’s why bitches: It’s great meat. They won’t tell me (read: I forgot) the exact blend of beef but it’s Wagyu-good. But I don’t think it’s Wagyu. It’s Halle Berry at the Oscars good. It’s not Halle Berry either. But it’s awesome. The consistency is fantastic, ground up until it’s spreadable but still resembles meat. They don’t over-season it,  just a little mustard, salt & pepper and then the obligatory egg on top.

Cool thing is, and I haven’t seen this often – when they offer to prep it for you, they’ll also add a teensy bit of hot sauce to it. Bada-F’ing-Bing! Served with nice crostini bits. I think Bauer calls them crostini ‘points’. Okey Dokey. And these giant caper berries on the side I’ll just try to ignore. They creep me out. Anyhoo, Get This Meal or face the wrath of VdV! I’d hook up a photo for ya, but it just doesn’t do it justice.

Oh yeah, and while we’re talking meat, get the burger. And if you are anything like us  and like to sit at the bar, or anywhere in the upstairs they refer to as the ‘bar area’, you can get the Triple B. Burger, Beer and a Brownie for only $20 bones.

Same meat as the Tartare, awesome looking bun, and your own kinda ‘build-it’ condiment set-up so you can customize to your heart’s content. (VdV legal disclaimer: No, we have not had the burger, but have seen it, talked about it, smelled it, drooled over it and witnessed the sheer ecstasy of the people that do order it. We’re gonna treat that burger like our bitch when e return next weekend!)

Oh yeah, bonus tip: Jeff has a new drink on the cocktail menu, and it’s kickin’! Has tequila and gruner veltliner and something else in it. Ask for it by name.

So we had a little shopping to do the other day, and y’all know what that means…that’s right homey, plenty ‘o cocktails to lube up that wallet of mine and turn shopping into more of a sport than a chore! Yee haw!

And I don’t even know why we were around Mint Plaza, but lo and behold we were, and although MP has yet to live up to the hype of a cool little block chock full ‘o bars, restaurants and…what was it again?? Oh yeah, PEOPLE, we strolled up the plaza to see what was going on. And it wasn’t people, I’ll tell ya that. The Annual  Running of the Bulls could occur down that Plaza and there wouldn’t have been even one broken nail incurred. Bo-ring!

Anyhoo, we walk past Chez Papa, up to some shop that we desperately hoped serve wine, but turned out only coffee…WAAAHHH! Emotional breakdown time approaching…but wait. We turned around and saw this cool looking spot – Thermidor. We’d never heard o’ this spot. Bizarre. They really need to use an email marketing service like VerticalResponse to get the word out. Bonus, they were open at 3p!

Yes, onna these days I’ll get sick of saying this. Maybe I need to get Zahid Sardar on the payroll. ‘Cuz I’m sure you’re already sick of hearing it: This is a cool space, with big super-high ceilings, concrete and reclaimed wood, and a mezzanine. Blah-dee-blah-blah. I know. It’s Been Done. But we still like-ee. And best thing, you basically walk smack into the bar area when you step in the door. Literally. Hey you only get one chance to make a first impression. And that is an f’ing awesome first impression!

And speaking of bars, that’s where we planted our bad selves. Therm was pretty empty, just us and a small gaggle of women at the bar, and we were greeted warmly by our bartender…Huckles, or something like that. Seriously. Whatever his name is, he can whup up a killer cocktail, fo-sho. And they have a good creative list to boot.

I barked out an order for a Warsaw Mule ($10) with Bison Grass Vodka, Organic Apple Juice, Lime, Sunshine Bitters & Ginger Beer. First: Is it a Bison or a Mule?! Get yer cloven-hoofed mammals straight! Anyhoo, quite refreshing I must say. Sure it was a little sweet, but the Sunshine Bitters kicked it up a notch and gave it some hootspa.

The other  J had a 1865 Cupp, with Pimms No. 1, gin, Blackberry Syrup, Lemon, Soda & Cucumber. This shit should be the New V-8. She’s not a big fan of the Gin, but she downed that thing like a sailor. I was lucky enough to get a little sip, and the combo of ingredients was tasty. The Blackberry syrup made it – not overpowering, but played surprisingly well with the cucumber. So there.

We weren’t really hungry but had to try a couple things anyway. No fool, not the Lobster Thermidor. Although they do have one and that’s why this place is called Thermidor. Duh. They also have a Mini Lobster Roll. Sorry, didn’t have that either. F Shellfish! No we went small. Noshy time. And if you are into snacking you’ll dig this spot. The menu is broken up into small sample plates, the Frogs…I mean French would call Hors D’oeuvres (all $6 each), then slightly larger appys then entrees.

We ordered up the Roasted Cauliflower with Lemon, Mint & Chile Pepper. Blah you say? How dare you! They blanch this stuff then roast it just-so with the spices and it was a righteous dish. Indeed.

We also had the Crostinos with Braised Short Rib, Horseradish Cream & Chives. Oh yeah baby, wishing they had a bigger platter of this junk on the menu. There’s just three pretty teensy crostinos, but they’re piled high with tender rib meat, well seasoned and with a dollop of horsey sauce on top. Yum!

So caveat, we only had a couple drinks and a couple H-Ds (sorry for abbreviation but I always misspell Hors D’oeourvoues), but we’re going to go out on a limb and extrapolate our small bites into an overall thumbs up for this place. We’d definitely go back for the Thermidor, Lobster Roll and more H-Ds. Oh yeah, and to treat that cocktail list like our bitch!

So our awesome foodie friends Bob & Jane, who know Paris like the back of their hands, highly recommended Les Ombres to us. And VdV Does Not Argue with Bob & Jane. Period. They Know Their Shit, feel me? So, we phoned our dude Sanjay at the hotel we typically stay in, and told him to hook us up À tout de suite. Getting a resie at this place is a pretty hot ticket right now, and is located in the beautiful Museé du Quai Branly, in the 7th just off the Seine. Branly had an incredible African art exhibit BTW. Highly recommended by VdV. Tons of ancient masks, intricate wood carvings…but hell, let’s get serious: y’all don’t come here to expand your knowledge of African culture!

So, first off, Festus. It’s not pronounced ‘LAZE HAHM-BRAZE’, you annoying Texan tourist. They didn’t name this for the Spanish meaning for a dude, OK? But wait. It’s also not ‘LEZ AHM-BREH’. Yep, that’s what I thought, Francophile that I am. Dumbass. It’s pronounced ‘LEZ AHM’. WTF happened to the last 4 letters, 3 of ‘em consonants?! Those crazy French! FYI, translation is ‘The Shadows’, prolly because it is in the shadows of the Eiffel Tower.

The restaurant is located on the roof of the museum, full of windows and great views, especially of the Eiffel Tower, but also a good part of the Right Bank as well (nothing like Le Jules Verne, but in a  city of relatively few high rises still offers some awesome panoramas), and you can walk out on the roof terrace as well. Gee whiz, was that a run-on sentence for the ages, or what? Weather permitting they also serve outdoors (but don’t quote me on that).

So after we knocked back a couple pops, we ordered din din. Wanna hear about it? Here it goes!

Wild Sea Bass Ceviche (29 Euro), with Green Mango and Shiso. Although the bass was very fresh, it was served in huge slabs, and I like my ceviche prepared more finely cut. Wish I had a photo of it, but really, the presentation might have been ‘elegant’ but not that appetizing. The shiso was good, and did make for a nice balance with the fish. Overall though, we weren’t very impressed. No, we’re not to the level of Ceviche Bitches (yet), but we know our shit!

Next, the Crunchy Vegetables Salade (25 Euro), with Smoked Sesame Salt & Truffle Oil. Good, fresh veggies including mushrooms (fortunately not crunchy), legumes, cherry tomatoes, carrots, zucchini, pearl onions, even turnip served on a bed of arugula and friseé. It was served with a nice, light  vinaigrette, and was overall a very tasty salad and I dug the smoked sesame salt. Worth $30 bones? Without a big ‘ol chuck of steak, hells no! But you don’t come here for a Full Meal Deal, kittens.

For entreés, we had the Ferra Filet (28 Euro), with Creamy Onions, Beans & Tarragon Brioche. What? Ya don’t know what Ferra is, you cretin? Ha, we had no clue either. It’s a firm white fish from local waters in Switzerland and France. It came fried, and again was a very pretty little dish. But I tell ya, the fish was devoid (yes, devoid) of flavor! Without the sweet Tarragon Brioche it laid on, it would have been like eating air. Air that you chew, but still air. The creamy onions and green beans did have nice flavor though, and all put together made for a pretty good bite.

Next, the Lapin Paella (32 Euro), with Chorizo, Mussels & Prawns. That’s right – we ate Bugs! Hey at least it wasn’t Chevel. But, why oh why do they demand on pronouncing this dish ‘PI-ELLA’. It’s PI-A-YAH. Two Ls means you do not pronounce the L, it turns into a ‘YAH’. That’s right – screw you Gordon Ramsey I think you started it, or are at least propogating this bastardized version of its pronunciation!

Wow, who was on acid when they designed this bad boy? I mean, take a gander: This is messed up! In an impressive way. I guess this is what they mean by ‘gastronomiqué’! Sure, visually it was like seeing Paella in a museum, but I dunno, once broken down for bites, it just didn’t turn me on. The texture of the risotta perhaps. I mean, after a couple sophisticated bites, I went in like a butcher and mixed everything up into a nice maché, but the flavors didn’t all come together for me although individually you couldn’t really knock any individual component (except for the risotto).

We passed on the ‘Piece of Pig’, but I did love that menu name. Wait, here’s what it is, straight from the menu: Piece of pig : mignon fillet, foot and cheek. Braised leeks and juice-flavoured licorice. Say what? ‘juice-flavoured licorice’? Not to mention ‘Foot’. Anyway, if you’ve had it let us know!

Ding ding dessert time! Tartine Au Citron (13 euro), or, as the menu stated: The Lemon Tart As We Imagine. Okey dokey.  Anyhoo, it was ab-fab. Hell, it’s a Lemon Tart, people! The other J’s fave dessert I think, of all time. She digs Lemon Tart, in any language. And Tartine Au Citron sounds pretty sexy. It was pretty f’ing awesome, as I mentioned, perfectly sweet but not too sweet, great textures, obviously assembled by a dessert artisté as well. Sorry the pic is kinda dark, it doesn’t do it justice.

Along with the meal? A very nice 2006 Meursault Tillets (90 Euro) from Burgundy. A very well-made white, with excellent viscosity and mouthfeel, flavors of apple and pear and all-in-all a great accompaniment to the meal.

So would we recommend Les Ombres? Well, yes. It wasn’t as mind-blowing as we built it up to be, but 1) they put a ton of effort and care into each dish b) it is a pretty romantic spot 3) shit what was 3? Oh yeah, they get a ton of great reviews, so maybe we were just in the mood for something a bit more down to earth that night, or we just don’t know what we’re talking about! Either way, we’d probably give it another go!

So this was cool. As you may know, we love the crap out of Mexican food. Could eat it almost every day.  OK, every day. I hope I never have to choose between giving up Pizza or Mexican food. So, eons ago, like 10 years or so (aka 4 b.VdV.) we spent a few months in this awesome city, and hit up most of the Mexican places we could find.

And almost without fail, we’d get shitty margaritas (with NO ICE), and half-ass attempts at basic mexican cuisine. Hey I know, haters. It’s Paris, not Mexico City. But it is international! This city serves up some of the best Italian, Chinois and Greek food around. Then one day, as we were roaming around the Marais after hitting the Pompidou Museum, we walked past this cool little alley/square that just looked charming. We also heard some music…saw that there were a few dance studios down there…and then saw a sign…The Studio. Mexican Food! Long story short, we knocked down any poor bastards in our way, raced in and had a great Mexican meal. In Paris!

So back to why this was cool (refer to the first paragraph). Here we are in Paris after several return trips and we say to each other: “What do you want for our last lunch in Paris, mon cheri? Hey, what was that cool spot in the Marais by the dance studios where we had that fun Mexican meal 10 years ago?” Hey man, we were Up To Here with Moules. Problem, we had no idea of the name, or in fact if it was in the Marais. Or if it was still even open. But thanks to the power of the interweb, we found it. And we won’t forget it again!

This place has outdoor seating that occupies most of the little square, and like I said, it’s surrounded by dance studios which just gives it a great artsy vibe. On the inside (where beauty always really is;), it has a good Mexican flair. A fairly small, cozy spot with high ceilings and dark timbers, those traditional burnt orange colored walls, authentic lighting, and their cool lizard logo on the back wall. Some review I read said it was between “‘chi-chi’ and cozy”. It’s not chi-chi, it’s just cool, not presumptuous and pretty authentic. Ok, ’nuff said.

On to the food! We ordered the Studio Nachos we so fondly recalled. These are artsy nachos. Not a plate of chips with cheese whiz and tons of peppers. And may I say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! But that’s not these. This is one round, crisp corn chip, cut up like a pizza, each with perfect nacho Key Ingredient Distribution of cheddar and jack cheese, pico and jalapeno. It was a little different than our original visit, but still really good.

We also had the Plancha (skewers) with Poulet & Gambas, 2 skewers each of…Chicken and Shrimp, doi! Weird, they were served avec Frites, with BBQ sauce and some other odd, yet really tasty non-Mexican sauce. Tasted like it had a little bacon in it. The shrimp were in shell, and quite tasty. The bird was tender, breast and thigh meat in nice size cubes and went well with the BBQ sauce. And the fries – baby, the fries rocked it. Ha. They really did. Nice and crunchy on the outside, tender on the inside. Easier said than done. So no, not a very Mexican dish but WTF, it was good.

Last but not least. Wait! Have I lost my mind?? The margaritas! They have Reposado here! José Cuervo seems to own this city, so actually getting quality agave tequila? Priceless! And the owner Antonio mixes ‘em well – we had 3 each. Kick ass!

Now. Last but not least. We also had the Quesadilla avec Poulet. This was one stuffed ‘dilla, with a pant load of bird, just the right amount of nicely melted jack cheese, grilled yellow pepper and mushrooms. But no salsa! Waaahhh. As I was whimpering, the other J asked Antonio for salsa. The power of asking. Never ceases to amaze. Anyway, he brought out a mason jar of salsa his sister had just made. No shit. I don’t know how the hell she roastest those tomatoes so dark, with some smoky chipotle, carmelized onions and jalepenos. Outstanding! It made the quesadilla. Hey Antonio, put your sis to work and start selling this stuff!

Bonus? Antonio, who BTW is the sweetest dude…Hey! I can say that! Anyway, he has two of the coolest pups ever (aside from our boys Buster & Stanley, that is). A brown and a black lab. I think the black one, Kika, is the mom, about 2 years old and the pup is about 9 months or so. Awesome dogs, wrestling around, fetching, playing soccer goalie with tennis balls, doing 69s, all that cool canine hi-jinx.

So let’s keep this in perspective, kittens. Don’t come to Paris for Mexican food. But, if you’re lucky enough to be in this awesome city and get the hankerin’, come and hit this place up!

Yes, VdV is different. Vive la Difference! We zig when others may zag. Case in point? While  in NYC, we dined at Cercle Rouge for great French food. Yes, the day before leaving for France. And now in Paris, for our first meal, we dined on…Italian food, when we’re gonna be in Capri in a few days. No we’re not stupid, we’re gonna grub on our fair share of Moules Frites, Steak Tartare, Croissants, Crepes, Poulet Roti, Cheval and all that. OK, maybe we’ll pass on Mr. Ed.

Anyway, back to Del Papa. This place is in the 6th, just down from our hotel. We discovered it a few visits back, and hit it almost every time we’re here. For thin crust Margherita Pizza (10 euro). Last night we felt frisky and even added mushrooms! And, the Rucola Salad with Parmesan (10.50 euro). Or is it Parmesan with a side of Rucola? Take a look at that!  And it was a gorgeous night to sit outside and get cigarette smoke blown in your face. Wait, I mean a great night to sit outside, people watch and enjoy the warm Summer air.

Question: how the hell does it stay light out at 10p? I mean, Paris is about the same latitude as Portland, Oregon and it doesn’t stay light that late there. Help!

So note, Pizza and salad is all we know about this spot, can’t tell ya much about the pastas, etc. etc.

So would I fly here for the food? Would I come across Paris for it? No, but if you are in the 6th Arrondissement area, this place has very good thin crust pies, and very fresh salads. Plus a fair amount of outdoor seating.

So what’d we decide to eat in NYC the day before leaving for France? French food, bien sur! Talk about bringing sand to the beach. But just to throw in a dumb curveball, we order…Chicken Wings! Hey, they had them as a special, don’t blame us.

So this place is authentic French. Done deal. Georges Forgeois knows his stuff, I believe this is his fourth or fifth spot in NYC. From the slight attitude (hey, they’re French), to the the design & ambiance. You know. And if you don’t, get yer fat white yankee ass to Paris and find out. Then thank vdV.

It was a humid mo-fo in nyc, so we sat inside although there’s beau coup outdoor seating. I just didn’t want to sweat my ass off. And yes, we grabbed two seats at the bar. Allors! And went in for some vino. And we worked that wine list like our bitch. Sancerre, Chablis, Burgundy, oh my!

And then we went for a lite lunch, even though it was 5p and we had not one morsel of food in our bellies all day. Since that 2a pizza pie at Pulinos, that is. Still, that’s 15 hours!

So we ordered the Seared Tuna Salad ($14), which came on a bed of Friseé, which we usually hate. I call it throat-tickler lettuce. But for some reason it really worked. The tuna was plentiful, fresh and seared spot-on, with a very light vinaigrette, red and golden beets, which reminded us of the simple, fresh salads we enjoyed each day in Paris. Just something about the freshness of the ingredients and basic-ness of it all. Gigiddy.

And then, the Cercle Wings ($10), their Houe Special Chicken Wings. Holy crap! Where do they raise these bizarro chickens? They are the plumpest little drumsticks ever.  It’s like you dip a little chicken bone into a swirling cauldron of chicken and out pops this masterpiece. Kinda like making chicken cotton candy at the county fair. Woo Hoo!

Hey, these wings kick ass. There’s only 4 of the little suckers, but ya get tons of plump, tender, juicy meat, with light breading and, by French standards, some good heat. I mean, not like sports bar spicy wings, but give these people a break, they wave a white flag if you look at ‘em sideways!  Just Joking, my Francophile comrades. VdV loves the crap outta you. The wings are served with the thickest blue cheese ever. It worked. I would come back here just because of these wings. This is some seriously tasty  bird.

So what did we really think? Check out the before and after:

OK, kittens this one’s gonna be short & sweet. Y’know that ‘Best Thing I Ever Ate’ show on Food Network? First off, I will not rest until VdV is invited as a guest. If not on that show, I wanna be on Iron Chef. No, not as a chef, bitches, as a judge!

That said, I do think I could give Michael Symon a run for his biscuits. Oh, and the other reason to be on Iron Chef? ‘Cuz I want to see if The Chairman actually makes that swooshy noise when he air-karate chops. That’s groovy.

Anyhoo, if VdV did honor The Best Thing I Ever Ate show with our presence, we may just have to insist that Jeanty’s Creme De Tomate En Croute (Tomato Soup in a Puff Pastry, Gomer) for the Best Thing I Ever Ate. Say it don’t spray it. It’s creamy, tomato-y goodness with a delicate, buttery shell. Even without the dough, this shit rocks it. ‘Nuff said. Just take us at our word.

Now now, am I saying Bistro Jeanty is the best place I ever ate? Where I got my world rocked in every way? No. So calm down, and grow a thicker skin you whiners.  I mean, adjectives (they are adjectives, right?) such as ‘Best’ and ‘Ever’ are difficult to assign. ‘Ate’ and ‘Thing’ are easier. I mean, is my fave song from my fave band? No. It’s simply an instance.  J&J have had awesome dining experiences all over God’s Green Earth, and it doesn’t always come down to one dish. But Bistro Jeanty does bring it.

And BJ isn’t just a soup kitchen, they have lotsa good stuff on the menu, including Moules Au Vin Rouge ($18.50), Steak Tartare ($21), and Entrecote Frites ($28.50), bien sur. Also lots of good fresh salads too. Weird menu thing missing? No Onion Soup! Sacre Cour!

The wine list, you say? Of course they have a killer wine list they’re a French bistro located in Yountville, fool! It’s fairly large and balanced primarily between Cali and French vinos, with a decent selection by the glass as well.

The Creme De Tomate En Croute is no question worth a 50 minute drive from ‘Frisco to Yountville just for the soup! Tres Bien, Bistro Jeanty!

Bonus – they publish the recipe on their website. That said, you may not want to know how much butter and heavy cream is inside…

Note: the 4 rating is because of their soup. Overall I’d give BJ a strong 3 or so.

Yeah lots of us have heard of this happenin’ spot in SoHo. It’s on  a great corner, Prince & Lafayette, gets a solid attractive crowd, decent eats, a model lounge…WTF? A ‘Model Lounge?’ Is that like a Model Zoo? No, not a Petting Zoo you perv.

OK, back to the facts. Which is oh sooo boring. This whole Model Lounge was a stunt these guys did last year, down in the basement of this joint. You had to ‘prove’ you were a model to get in, and horny dudes would hang around trying to get a glimpse. Dunno, sounds like there’s worse ways to use basement space to me.

Anyhoo, Deli’s been here for years, and it keeps its MoJo going. Still has great crowds, due in large part to the fact it houses models in the basement. Wait. I mean due to its location, the fact they can yank up those big garage-type doors and let the sun and breeze in, outdoor seating, the ‘see and be seen’ scene, pretty stiff drinks and surprisingly decent grub.  Bam.

So whatever, here’s some go-tos for us that rock the charts:

Cheeseburger Spring Rolls ($10). Yes. That’s what I said. I mean, first a Model Zoo and now Cheeseburgers in Spring Roll format? Gee-nee-us. Ya get 4 of these bad boys, about the size of a Swisher Sweet (cigar), with cornichons (aka midget pickles), and ketchup & yellow mustard. But wait. It’s not just ‘yellow mustard’. I’m not even a fan of plain old French’s, but I’ll stick my grimy finger in this stuff and lick it off all day long. Yeah, the same finger too. I am perplexed by how they make plain ‘ol mustard so f’ing good. It’s not honey. It’s something subtle that puts this stuff OTT. But enough of the condiments. Back to the burger rolls.

This is The Way to eat your burger, bitches. Totino’s ya gotta start selling these! If ya made $200 Million with pizza rolls, you’ll make a flippin’ fortune with these! Just cut me in for 5%. I’m tellin’ ya fella,  these are both crunchy and moist all at once, with the cheese kinda melded in with the meat. OK, there’s no need getting too deep about Cheeseburger Spring Rolls, They rock. You need them. Let’s move on, shall we?

And the other go to? Fried Chicken in a Bucket, fool! ($16), Buttermilk marinated (do you really ‘marinate’ in buttermilk, or ‘coat’? I say ‘coat) 1/2 bird with Coleslaw, Cornbread and Ranch Dressing. Comes in a bucket (duh) and if I wasn’t so buzzed (no, that does not mean my review is suspect, just my ability to take clear photos) my iPhone pic would be better than this: Looks like Fried Chicken going 110 MPH down the interstate.

Sorry. But this dish rocks it, it’s kitschy in the preso, and nails it in the flavors. 1/2 bird, all good tasty moist yumminess. The ranch tastes home made, the slaw is simple and good. The cabbage is chopped up really fine. And the cornbread. Well, it’s not too shabby either. But back to the bird – it’s always been good, quality bird, lots of meat, very tender. I wouldn’t call it an ‘entreé’ as they do, but it’s a good share appy.

So, the VdV verdict? Go. It’s fun. Get the dishes we said to. Obey VdV!

OK,  I’m gonna make this short (well, maybe) and sweet (well, maybe not). We strolled into La Mar this past Sunday for a Little Late Lunch Love. We were hanging down on the Embarco, and low and behold after talking about hitting La Mar many times, the heavens aligned and here we were, and there they were.

We’d had some foodie-type buds eat here with mixed reviews. But whether it was good, bad or ugly we are VdV, and we need to scout the eats for you, dear readers (you can read, can’t you? Maybe we need an audio version since I do notice our traffic is down).

Anyhoo, as I was saying we strolled in and quickly cased the place. Quick ‘cuz we were about ready to gnaw each others arms off we were so ravenous. Coyote ravenous.

We saw a big room in the back, which looked very cool actually. But, what caught our attention, kittens? Yes, a..BAR! on the right hand side so we dashed in. Like dashing into the hottest depths of hell. What a heinous, buzz kill vibe for a nice sunny Sunday! Dang. Who pooped in these worker’s cebiche, anyway?  I mean, the decor is pretty good, but do they employ slaves? I’m just askin’ ‘cuz they seem about as happy and cheerful as slaves.

Anyhoo, this one woman, the main bartender who was busy cutting limes (for no one, the place was pretty empty) glanced up quickly, then went right back to hacking citrus instead of even paying the slightest bit of attention we existed. It actually became a game for us to see if we could ever get her to actually look us in the eye. Beady as they are. Plus I was having a bad hair day so maybe that was part of the cause. Who knows! Anyway, you. With the retainer and couple tattoos and lousy wretched ‘tude, here’s to you! Game on!

So a bar back finally came and took our order after we begged and pleaded for a menu, and were then told only a puny portion of the menu was available for lunch – Cebiches and Causas. We had our hearts set on some Skewers but oh well. So we ordered…well first we ordered a couple Siete Leguas Repo Margys! Yee Haw. Screw you, Pisco when Siete is in da house!  OK, we ordered the Cebiche Chifa ($16), Mahi Mahi with Peanuts, Scallions, Ginger, Pickled Carrots & Daikon, Habeneros, Wonton Strips and Cilantro in a Sesame Leche de Tigree (sauce). Dudes and dudettes, this rocked. La Mar knows Ceviche. I mean Cebiche. I’d never seen such chunky chunks of fish in either a cebiche or ceviche. Very fresh, tender and really too much fish! Nice blend of spices as well. Could have used a little more cilantro, but bravo!

Next we had the Causa Nikei ($12). First a little education, pupils: Causas are these little whipped potato (purple) numbers with either seafood or veggie toppings. So we ordered the Nikei, and it came out well-presented. There was 3 thingies that look just like marshmallows, but were bright purple. And not made of sugar. Plus, I don’t think you’d wanna stick ‘em on a coat hanger and hold them over a fire, if ya get my drift. Anyhoo, the Nikei comes with Ahi Tuna, cut into small cubes with an excellent spicy Huancaina sauce that made the dish. This overall impression? ‘OK’ there was a decent mix of textures and flavors, but the tuna just didn’t do it for us. We ditched the Causa and dove right back into the Mahi Mahi Cebiche.

Still waiting for the bartender to pretend we existed, still getting served by teh bar back. Hey when she brought the bill she actually glanced up at us and said thanks! Jonsin’ for a decent tip, no doubt. Sorry sucka.

Bottom line? 1) We will revisit La Mar, the big dining room looks cool and we want to sample more of the menu b) Shitty service can really ruin a meal experience, fo sho 3) in the meantime, we proclaim it VdV-approved to come here for a drink or four, and gorge on fresh, tasty cebiche. 4) No this wasn’t short. Or sweet. Thanks for your patience.

Hours:
Mon-Fri 11:30a-2:30p; 5:30p-10p
Sat 12p-2:30p; 5:30-10:30p
Sun 12p-2:30p; 5:30p-9:30p

There’s 7 appys, all either $3 or $5 dolla. Holla! They should call this recession hour. And it delivers big time. Ya got yer Pulled Pork Quesadilla ($5) with Fontina Cheese, awesome Spicy Chipotle Aioli and Pickled Jalepenos. Inspired (we feel) by VdV, the Deep Fried Mac & Cheese Balls ($5), 5 ping-pong sized balls that sit in a Roasted Tomato Sauce bath. Yum! The Buttermilk Onion Rings ($5) are the way they are meant to be: Big, fat rings, with lotsa onion, a nice crunch and just a little sweetness from the milk. Nice. Plus, the onion doesn’t sneak out of the coating when you take a bite. Feel me? You know, when you take one bite, and the entire onion slips right out of the coating? That pisses me off. Anyhoo, doesn’t happen here and they come with a zippy little Kansas City Style BBQ sauce.

Other notables: Deviled Eggs ($3), two eggs (no not one egg cut in two, you actually get 4 pieces), with a nice smooth glob of devil inside. Not too much mustard like many deviled eggs have. Nice and simple with a dash of Smoked Paprika. Jerk Chicken Skewers ($5) with a nice cool Cucumber Salad, Popcorn ($3) with Bacon and Chedda seasoning. Mmm mmm. And last but not least the trusty Corn Nuts ($3) with Habanero Lime Powder.

So ya think were done, don’t ya? Not so fast, kittens. What’s a Happy Hour without bevvie specials? Not very happy, that’s what. So master mixologist Peter Kedas whipped up 1/2 dozen killer drink specials, all $5 a pop. Woo Hoo! Some of our faves? the Juan Collins, with Tequila, Cilantro Syrup, Sweet & Sour and Soda Water. This puppy has a dayglo green hue, and the cilantro syrup really kicks it up a notch. The other J’s go-to is the Brooklyn Bridge, with Bourbon, Sweet Vermouth, Bitters and…wait for it…Sparkling Wine. Like a Manhattan with bubbly attitude. Also try the What’s Kraken? with Kraken Black Spiced Rum, Fat Tire Amber Ale with a Cinnamon Sugar Rim. We wanted to call it Phil My Fat Kraken but were vetoed. Oh well. There’s also the Ginger Snap, Lavender Lemon Drop, and the Obligatory, with Gin, Pomegranate Liquer, Muddled Cucumber, Grapefruit Juice and 7-Up.  Try ‘em all! Then call a taxi.

VdV proclaims this the Best Happy  Hour in ‘Da Hood.

Happy Hour hours:
Mon-Fri 4p-6p (not during Pac Bell Park events)