King Estates Winery
PRO: Nothing, since their big remodel…OK, they make a decent Pinot Gris
CON: Rude and a rip-off, their remodel is sucky
King Estates Winery…More like King Of The Dicks. You know, Murray’s classic line in Flight of Conchords when he’s talking to Bret and Jemaine: “So you’re a couple of jesters now, eh? Jesters in my court, I’m the king, the King of the Dicks eh?” Well, if you missed that episode I’m sorry for you. Go YouTube it.
OK, I’ve been to this Oregon Willamette Valley winery several times over the years. ‘Cuz, whether I like to admit it or not, I did serious time up in in Orygun (note: It pisses all Oregonians off when you add that extra syllable in and make it sound like the state is located just south of Georgia. It is pronounced ‘or-gun’, ok?)
So if you reside in Oregon, you gotta drink. Word. Don’t argue with me. Seriously. I lived there, OK?! And if you visit there, you need to drink as well. And fortunately you don’t have to while away the hours poisoning your liver in some rat hole bar swilling rancid brew, like I did when I lived there. Because over the past several years, the Oregon wine industry has kicked it into high gear. And the usual crappy rainy gloomy climate is prefect for pinot noir, chardonnay and the like.
Yeah yeah, I hear ya: “OK, enough background already, would you cut to the chase for the love of God?!” Sure. Here we go:
The other J and I traveled Oregon last weekend to visit the normal part of my family, and we all decided to visit King Estates on what was an incredibly rare sunny, beautiful February afternoon. Sure. there’s lots more quaint, tucked-in, less mainstream wineries to visit, but 1) they make wines my mom and others would enjoy and b) I’d been there several times, but not since they completed their big remodel, and I wanted to check it.
Well, first. It is a beautiful property, I’ll give ‘em that. But right off the bat, the old charm was gone. Yes, they threw a fistful of dollars at this place in a recent remodel, and in the process turned it into a Viansa-like scene. A loud, disorganized rat’s nest of a mad house. Hey great, they’re payin’ off those construction loans. Bravo. But there is a way to balance driving beau coup biz and maintaining your charm. Mission failed. The workers were all stressed, pissed-off seeming and bottom line just sucky to be around.
Second, I really didn’t like the design of the new tasting room. It was cavernous, but not in a cool winery-cavern type of way. King had the warmth of an airport hangar.
The tasting bar was pretty crowded, so as we waited and waited in vain for someone to seat us in the dining area for some snacks, my Sis’ husband Rick went to buy a couple bottles to (hopefully) enjoy outside just in case, or take back home. After we got zero attention trying to get a table and feeling like we were made out of cellophane, we grabbed one of the several open tables ourselves. And then before you could click your heels three times and say ‘This place sucks’, we were promptly booted out in Gestapo-like fashion, not offered a place on a waiting list, nothing. Hey, thanks for making us feel like crap! At least they didn’t drag us out back and pop a cap in our noggins. That woulda been Gestapo-like.
So then it gets better. Rick, savvy dude he is, did buy a couple bottles and we went outside to try to find a table. Yo, King of The Dicks: It gets kinda chilly up there, take some of that money and buy some heat lamps! Anyhoo, we found a table, prepared to freeze our asses off over a bottle or two of vine, and were then told we’d have to pay a $10 corkage fee to open up the bottles of wine we just bought there! WTF?
So what’d we do? Saddled up and vamoosed King as fast as possible, and visited a couple very nice wineries just down the road. Good wine, friendly people, good times.
So King Of The Dicks, screw you. I already spent too much time on this review, in addition to the time I wasted at your place. F You and the horse you rode in on. May rabid camels urinate on your vines and cause (whats that weird yucky shit that kills all the vines?) Phylloxera, I think it is.
And, must I remind you, King Estates, good Pinot Gris is about a dime a dozen. Which means, I will never bother to drink another glass of King Estates Wine again. Forever. Forever? Forever ever ever. Wow, that’s the biggest bitch-fest we’ve laid on someone for a long time, watch out K&L you have a contender!